


a jump in my step as i rush to see you

by zialless



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-03
Updated: 2015-10-03
Packaged: 2018-04-24 15:30:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 23,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4925053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zialless/pseuds/zialless
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>6:42 You're going to lose friends doing this, Niall...</p><p>6:44 i drop them like flies. i dont care</p>
            </blockquote>





	a jump in my step as i rush to see you

**Author's Note:**

> heyyyyy, i'm still alive. fic set in london, uk - hopefully set well enough for you to get.
> 
> the plot might speak on a personal level, i've got no clue - depends how you are in relationships, but it does for me bc i totally suck at them. no beta, all mistakes are mine. the bad smut writing is mine too.
> 
> would love feedback btw lol
> 
> title comes from lyrics of goodbye apathy by one republic
> 
> tumblr: fuckboyzayn.tumblr.com

"Holy fuck!" Niall yells, and leans back against his chair. Dramatic, like he's performing for a play and such.  
  
"What? What happened?" Zayn looks up turning his head left and right, eyes following with his head movement. He stares up at Niall pressing his forefinger with his thumb.  
  
They're studying for exams. Zayn didn't think he'd need to be studying for his Psychology exam until Niall started bursting out with these questions that Zayn can very much explain—in his mind. Knowing professors, they won't count the answers that Zayn perfectly understands, but can't explain in an essay format answer. Professors always want everything precise and full of important information. They want Harvard-level English student essays just for their assistants to grade.  
  
Niall wasn't taking Psychology like Zayn was. He was more into History and culture so Anthropology welcomed him in. There has to be some social science relation between the two for them to be friends. A Psychology student wouldn't find themselves amidst another company without relations. As if you'd hear, _"a psychology student and a jock walk into a bar..."_  
  
"I got a paper cut." Niall's lips twist in abhorrence. "I'm actually very careful, and then this happens."  
  
"You being too careful might be the reason why you hurt yourself." Zayn teases by quirking his eyebrow up.  
  
Niall has a tendency to laugh at everything. Except, sometimes for his benefit of looking good for his vanity, he tries not to let it out and a smirk appears instead. "Oh, _please_ don't analyze me right now."  
  
"You act as if I've never done it before." Zayn laughs. "I have, by the way. Many times."  
  
With Niall's eyebrows pushed in together, he clicks his tongue and dashes away the paper that gave him his paper cut. "You Psych students always think you can analyze anybody."  
  
"It's funny." Zayn shrugs his shoulders that it's touching his ear.  
  
They stare at each other, only because Niall tends to give these glowering looks at Zayn. And Zayn only looks back to fuel the banter between them. If there would be any other reason he's looking at Niall, it would be that his stupid ass likes him.  
  
But he doesn't.  
  
"I have to go," Niall blinks his eyes dramatically, shaking his head like the diva he is. "By the way."  
  
Zayn sighs, and leans back in his seat. "Enjoy yourself then."  
  
"I'll see you tomorrow." Niall gives his signature salute hello and goodbye gesture.  
  
It's almost a natural thing with him to do that salute. It's not the aggressive or fancy ones like the military privates and officers do to each other. If Niall was in the military doing his stupid and goofy hello and goodbye salute, he'd be robust bearing in mind the amount of push-ups they'll force upon him for the poorly done salutes.  
  
Niall can't study for a long period. It's occasional like he did today with Zayn, to sit down and actually read his notes over. It's from some stupid case study he did over the semester during their seminars. The professor mentioned that it would be important. That's actually a lie. Everything is important, and Niall has to choose which one is the most—like a list from 1-100.  
  
He isn't leaving Zayn because he's worn-out from studying. If anything, he would've spent his whole entire evening with him. But then again, he'd be breaking promises if he doesn't go to this club tonight with his other friends.  
  
He's not a social butterfly per se. He'd rather call himself the King of the Jungle, and it's very egotistic of him to think of himself like that if it wasn't true. In a bitter sweet way, it almost is.  
  
In his mind, everyone's actually at fault. They don't seem to get the idea of having fun. Somehow, everyone's ready to settle down in a good and healthy relationship—whatever the fuck that is—and it seems like every one of his friends wants him.  
  
No, he's not cocky. But he is an arsehole. That's the one thing all of his friends have agreed with. In reality, Niall agrees. He's aware what he's doing, and it can't stop. That's just who he is. Maybe he's too friendly, or everyone's reading in too much of his moves.  
  
"Hey!" Sophia waves at Niall from her table.  
  
She's is a friend who Niall met through another friend—someone who he doesn't talk to anymore. They're good friends, and it seems like she's the only one hasn't fallen for him. Actually, she’s got bloke, and she knows Niall better than he knows himself. She can vouch for Niall owning the title "wide-set arsehole."  
  
There's Jade and Adam with her tonight, and Niall could accept that it will be a hard night for the four of them. Especially him.  
  
"Hey!" Adam throws his arms around Niall's neck. He hears the ice clinking in the glass that's sweating beside his head. It's awkward for Niall to accept any hugs from Adam because he's just so built and tall.  
  
"Hi." Niall grins tightly, patting Adam's arm around his neck while Sophia's mouth curved down in horror at Niall patting Adam. Jade is next to her, too busy checking her phone.  
  
"I got you your drink." Adam lowers the peach cocktail down at Niall's face. It was fancy but minimalist; in a tall glass, red ombre that mixed with light orange filled it up to the top with a black straw added in. It's his favourite.  
  
"Thanks." He takes it the same time he starts to walk away from Adam. If Niall wants to look Adam in the eye, everyone would know because of the height difference they share. Niall smiles timidly, mixing his drink with his straw.  
  
"All right?" Adam follows behind him, yelling over the music. This couldn't be the worse time to talk about how someone is. They're at a club if isn't obvious—it's like a laser light show around them; always purple lights and smoke. Niall doesn't wanna hear about how people's days are going in the club. He might sound cynical and negative, but it's how he feels. There'll be a time for that, and right now—Niall just wants to feel his whole body burning of heat from alcohol and smell perfume, not sweat and bad breath.  
  
"Good!" Niall yells back nonetheless. "How about you!"  
  
"Been really long actually! I can't wait to get home after this."  
  
"What'd you say?" Niall exclaims at Adam's ear.  
  
"Been. Really. Long! I. Can't. Wait. To. Go. Home!"  
  
They do a little exchange when Adam's mouth is at Niall's ear. This time, Niall's putting a hand by Adam's ear, yelling, "Can crash at mine if you want! My place is the close by anyway! I think it'll be easier—for everyone." Because Niall didn't like being in a car where his friends are driving everybody home one by one at 4AM.  
  
"Yeah, sounds like a great plan!" Adam looks at him, head angled so he doesn't have to completely bow his head to look at Niall. He feels him staring, so he leaves before telling Adam.  
  
By the time they reached the table, Niall's giving Jade and Sophia hugs that were long overdue. Since they haven't left to the dancefloor, they're so far the only ones who smell like sweet perfume.  
  
"You've got your phone on you?" Adam asks right into Niall's ear when he backs off from Sophia.  
  
"Yeah... Why?" Niall grimaces and he doesn't mean it in a rude way exactly. Adam's just a different story from everybody else—so different that he falls in the same similar graveyard as his old mates who he never sees anymore and Niall knows exactly why.  
  
"Oh, I was just asking 'cause you never replied to my texts." Adam knows what he's doing. He's not naïve. He's nice, but not naïve to hold back on putting Niall on a tight spot.  
  
But he's right there. Under the spotlight. Niall's put on the spot. He swallows audibly, keeping quite a distance from Adam.  
  
"I told ya. I don't like answering texts." Niall really doesn't. Everyone has to know that. And they do. He doesn't know why they keep pestering him about it. "Besides, I leave me phone in the living room to charge while I'm in me room. It’s not that important…"  
  
"Yeah, that's why I'm asking." Adam shrugs. "So in case you get lost or something, I can text you."  
  
Well, that settles Niall's lying game.  
  
Adam left two minutes after with Jade to the dance floor. Niall was still trying to get a few drinks in him all the while he carried his peach cocktail with him. Two shots weren’t enough. He pre-drank before coming to club. Enough to get himself down.  
  
"So." Sophia lifts both her brows.  
  
"What?" Niall laughs sheepishly. She's always questioning and testing him, and he never knows if he's in the right or the wrong.  
  
"You and Adam..." She says with a smile, hand placed on his knuckle.  
  
"Oh, god." Niall shakes his head. Of course everyone knows. Niall knows himself too. "What the fuck is up with him?" His voice is harsh and Sophia doesn't make out anything from it.  
  
"Why are you asking?" She laughs.  
  
"He's acting like a weirdo! He hugged me when we came in and we never. He also got me this drink and I'm actually not feeling peachy tonight." Niall's lips twist in disapproval, but he brings the straw right between his lips and sips the cocktail anyway.  
  
"What do you mean, Niall? He just doesn't hug you all the time because everyone knows turn into this little fiery tosser who doesn't hug or touch anyone, and hates when everyone does it to you."  
  
In all honesty, Niall just has to know and feel comfortable about who's hugging him. If someone he's been friends with hasn't hugged him in some kind of way before the feelings have started to peek out, then he won't be the friendliest person to them. It's weird, but Niall's not too trusting, always doubtful. Even Sophia and him don't exchange any embraces.  
  
Even if he’s known Adam for five months, it doesn’t suddenly make him intimate with anybody. Even if he tried before Adam came along, he's not changing soon. No matter how many times he comes by a new guy—a great guy—and tells himself, _'this time, it's going to be different. I'm going to love him and stay with him'_ , he'll be gone.  
  
"It's weird." Niall scoffs. "I mean, I don't mind... But..."  
  
"Do you like him?"  
  
"Yeah, but... You know me." Niall's voice softens, like he's ashamed of himself. The anxiety of it beats him blue, makes him hold back on so many opportunities. Each one that falls from his grasp, he's numb—not happy nor sad.  
  
"Yeah, you're quite odd yourself." Sophia laughs.  
  
"We met like five months ago. How'd this all happen? Why now?" But he knows. Niall knows how it happened, but he needs to hear it to make himself aware of it.  
  
"I reckon when you guys went out for lunch two days ago, he finally realized that he likes you." Sophia shrugs a shoulder. "Did you check your phone? Jade said he's planning to ask you something."  
  
"Yup. I've ignored it and Adam's texts." Knowing what it’ll lead to.  
  
"You're so stuck. You liked him like two months ago." She laughs as her eyes squeezed shut. "He's stupidly oblivious, but I saw you chat up your arse off harder than I've seen you with anybody."  
  
"I wasn't chattin’ him up." Niall denies, and the deadpan look on his face that he let take over might've given Sophia a clue that... He knows, no shit.  
  
"Chatting him up might be an overstatement." She sighs, moving her thick hair over her shoulders and letting her collarbone expose. "You like, make him laugh so hard he might just be snorting out milk!" She sounds impressed, but Niall slides deeper into his seat as Sophia went on. "You sit beside him everywhere we go, always glaring at him whenever he did something daft because it's your excuse to stare at anybody."  
  
Proving her point, Niall didn't expect her voice to sound like honey—sweet and happy that it makes him smile himself. Maybe this time really is different.  
  
"Oh, that sounds a bit fucking accurate." Niall's lips pull back tightly in distaste. Then he takes a deep breath, folding his hands and puts his knuckles under his chin. "I'm nervous, Sophia. What does he wanna ask me?" Niall has a feeling he knows already—his mind planned for it to happen and it did. He just hasn't caught up yet.  
  
"He wants to know if you like him back." She replies. She studies his posture in his seat, his stoic expression, and fidgetiness. "You clearly don’t."  
  
"I-I do, Sophia?" Niall furrows his eyebrows, dubious of himself.  
  
"He's actually really cool, Niall. You know that." Sophia reminds him. Yeah, he's pretty cool, Niall could admit. He works backstage at this amphitheatre for concerts as stage crew. He collects vinyls, plays tennis, drives a mustang, and not to mention they've got similar music tastes that Niall always looks for in anyone. "You guys have so much fun together, like I actually think you guys are cute together."  
  
Niall groans, looking over at Adam. He's got this cute smile when he laughs; Niall can barely stay a few seconds staring without feeling weird. "You're killing me."  
  
"Here's two shots." Sophia slides both of them across the table. "He's coming, by the way." Niall looks back at Adam, actually coming their way. It's like one of those moments in the movies where time slows down, and the crush is coming towards them—eyes locked like an eagle on its prey, fit in every way possible that his insides feel like cotton candy and there's a sweet-tooth picking at him.  
  
"N-no!" Niall's face twists when the vodka shoots down his throat. "Tell them I'm taking a massive shit."  
  
"Oh, I'll do plenty to help you out here, Niall. Sure." Sophia smirks just as Niall walks past her to the rest room.  
  
"Hey, mate. Where are you going?" Adam holds his shoulder arm. His hand almost wraps around his whole bicep, and Niall could just give up his stoic character and hold the hand on him and say everything he needs to say to make everything he planned happen.  
  
_I've liked you for so long. I hate the way you know me so well, but I'm glad you do because I don't wanna be such an arse anymore._  
  
He flexes his biceps and Adam's grip loosens. "Kind of—need to do business in the loo." Niall laughs sheepishly.  
  
"Want me to come with?" Adam asks, turning his whole body to go the same way Niall's going—along with a step forward that makes Niall take one too.  
  
"No, no." That’s weird, he tells himself. Niall shakes his head. "I'll be back."  
  
The music is pounding against the wall, muffled by the hallway and walls leading out to the exit. He hates club loos. Either, someone's gonna fuck or is fucking, or there's a long line going in. He was hoping that it'd be the ladies' toilet. But guys just happen to find fucking birds and lads into stalls exhilarating and hot.  
  
He gets in after three minutes of waiting, and he really should've stayed outside instead near the exit. It's an elite club with single room stalls with flat dark oak doors. Nobody could see between the cracks of the door and the shoes of the next stall because it's a whole room with a small slit above the door. But it's rancid inside—probably toilets covered in vomit and you can't take a shit without vomiting yourself.  
  
Niall got one good enough—not for his taste but compared to what he's seen. There's toilet paper pushed to the corner of the stall and he's pacing because there's room to. His phone is in his hands; he's avoiding Adam's text because he's got 'seen messages' on, so there's no way he'll ever open them unless it's a new day. He goes to the last conversation he had before Adam and Sophia popped the new texts, pressing call and puts the phone against his ear as soon as it rings.  
  
He hears a shuffle and click.  
  
"Zayn?" Niall asks. He doesn't know why he's asking. His name on his phone is literally _Zzz_ because Zayn never replies just like him, all because he's sleeping. On Zayn's phone, he's pretty sure Zayn named him using the wave emoji with that blond, blue eyes white lad. It stands for Nile River.  
  
"Yes?" Zayn asks back in confusion.  
  
Niall sighs. Well, that's established. "I have a—" A moan comes from the next stall. A really loud one. Niall just thought that was the pipes in the walls acting up. How stupid. It was easy to ignore at first, but someone might be coming.  
  
"Interesting..." Zayn cackles.  
  
Niall gasps, grimaces as he cups the phone with his hand to his mouth. "I'm in the restroom, and someone is fucking right beside me!" He whispers, hearing on the other end: _I'm coming! Fuck my tight pussy!_  
  
"That's very spontaneous of them." Zayn's voice brings Niall back into the conversation.  
  
"Zayn, it's very disgusting. You can catch a disease in these washrooms." Niall shakes his head when he gets off topic. "I have a problem."  
  
"Did you get another paper cut?" Zayn mocks lightly.  
  
"No. Fuck. Someone likes me."  
  
Zayn laughs for a few seconds—the one Niall's familiar with when things end up backwards on him. "Weren't you the one complaining about being dateless?"  
  
"Okay, I actually didn't know it'd happen." Niall looks up to the ceiling. "I thought it would be what I wanted?"  
  
"It's not?" Zayn's tone is surprising that Niall's eyebrows even flinch in. "Which one is it?"  
  
_Which one?_ Is Zayn kidding right now? "It's my friend."  
  
"What's their name?"  
  
"Adam."  
  
"Ahh." Zayn knows Adam from Niall's little stories. There are a lot of stories about other boys and girls. "Why can't you tell Adam?"  
  
"I don't wanna hurt Adam." Niall says it as if it's obvious.  
  
"You'll be hurting yourself." Zayn's starting to sound like Oprah now. He didn't think it would happen this quick. "You've never been ready for relationships. If you jump into this one, acting as if everything's right, someone's gonna get hurt. Talk to him."  
  
"Fuck you. You're right." Niall's huff echoes through the stall.  
  
"That's why you called!" Zayn's practically singing his words.  
  
"But I'm not gonna listen." Niall concludes. He sounds convinced it's the best plan. He can't believe he even told Zayn he won't listen. Maybe he's getting worse. "He's annoying me. Like leave me alone, I don't wanna hug you."  
  
"God, you sound so funny." Zayn laughs quietly.  
  
"I'm gonna ignore him through the rest of the night."  
  
"I don't believe that's a good plan."  
  
"I didn't wanna be here anyway." Niall scoffs. "I wanted to finish up Gotham." Because Gotham was a show Zayn got him keen on like a child of 8 years old.  
  
If they were finished with studying, they'd open Netflix right away and go through 3 episodes before Niall's falling asleep on the couch and Zayn's tiptoeing away to put his shoes neatly by the door because he's staying for the night and not the brief hour he thought would be. And then Zayn would hang his jacket into the closet because Niall had dropped it on the arm of the couch. He'd put his backpack where it'd be out of anyone's way and reminds Niall that it's not all about school. They are on episode 12—haven't watched any since four days ago.  
  
"I guess it's a good time to ask you if you're still down for celebratory exam party at Preston's place?"  
  
"Adam's not going to be there so of course."  
  
"Ex-wedding date James will be."  
  
"Oh fuck."  
  
"Your life is quite interesting." Zayn laughs. "You have ten people chasing after you. Fucking slut."  
  
"I actually feel so powerful." Niall admits.  
  
"There's also Facebook creep who wants to watch 'movies' with you."  
  
"I know he means he wants to fuck. What a child. I don't care. I'm doing me—"  
  
_"I'm doing me!"_ Zayn joins in, and Niall's laughing. Glad nobody is questioning why he’s laughing inside his stall. Or taking long.  
  
Together, they're both yelling _, "I'm living life right now man, this what I'ma do till it's over, it's over! It's faaar from over!"_  
  
Their laugh subsides and Zayn's taking a deep breath. "You slag, talk to him okay? Goodnight."  
  
"No thanks, and goodnight, virgin Mary."  
  
"I cannot believe you..."  
  
Niall doesn't know to which comment he said that to.  
  
But he takes his own advice at the end of the day. He wasn't ignoring Zayn's advice. He's got plenty insightful things, which is why he calls him for these things. And the one thing he always hears from him is that he's always running away from his problems. He never faces them and there wouldn't be a day of any year that Niall would spend five minutes of his life talking about his feelings. Unless...  
  
Nope. There aren't any other solutions. Why does he even bother?  
  
Through the night, it was like Adam is his puppy – following him around wherever he goes; it was as if he couldn't talk to anybody. Niall did, and knowing him, he'd talk to everybody but Adam.  
  
Adam starts out of nowhere. "So like, is there a time we can—"  
  
"Jade, what time is it?" Niall asks very fast, not noticing the bleak expression on Adam’s face.  
  
She looks at her wrist. "Nearly 3 in the morning."  
  
"Are we all ready to head out?" Niall asks.  
  
Sophia nods while Jade says, "Yeah, I'm partied out."  
  
Niall walked from Adam right away to lead the crew out. They've visited his flat many times before like tonight, to sleepover or have dinner. They all fairly knew Niall's place.  
  
After brushing the taste of alcohol through his mouth, Niall walked right into his room for bed. Adam was still attempting to talk to him and it's really the last thing he needs. He wasn't interested in talking about liking each other. Niall thinks it's great that they do. It's just hard for him to get on the same page.  
  
And it wasn't just tonight. Niall had really played that ignoring Adam game very well. It's lasting him entire week. Adam's just so persistent, doesn't know when to give up. Niall would've given up if all the answers he gets are one word, or a shrug.  
  
It's up to the point that Niall finds himself in another company while he's with Adam and Jade. They're both studying and it seems like Niall's the only one who's quiet.  
  
"Hey, can you help me with this?" Adam asks Niall. Oh, he's sitting so close to him, he can't understand why their elbows are touching.  
  
"Hm. Don't know it." Niall grumbles apologetically. He's busy texting Zayn and that stupid Facebook guy who he thought would be fun to tease back, until he put sex into their conversation and Niall's ready to disappear. He looks like a fucking villain with shitty dating skills.  
  
_6:21 he's so damn annoying ..... what the hell. he wants me to help him with his hw_  
  
Niall sends to Zayn. He's glued to his phone, hoping Adam won't break whatever he's doing on his phone because sometimes, it's impolite.  
  
_6:24 Can you just talk to him? You're being so stubborn_  
  
Zayn texts him back just a few minutes after. Niall feels it buzz in his hands while he goes through his emails again. He’s got his earphones plugged in so whatever Adam’s saying, doesn’t reach him. Visibly to Adam anyway.  
  
_6:25 IM STUBBORN??? he's so clingy and we arent even dating. he even takes me home like the fuck i don't need u_  
  
_6:27 I believe you are. Congratulations!  
  
6:28 noooooo! wtf, we aren't dating!!_  
  
He's certain for a fact he's not going to be dating Adam when Zayn gave him the advice not to.  
  
_6:30 You lead these significant others of yours on like a lighthouse at night._  
  
Niall’s face twists when his phone buzzes and ignores Adam trying to see over his shoulders.  
  
_6:32 what r u saying?  
  
6:35 You know what I mean. You flirt with everybody. Whether or not you know it, that's how you make your friends. And I'm not saying you flirt all the time. Js, you've got this character that everyone loves, and is gonna love eventually.....  
_  
It was alcohol on an open wound; Zayn was mending his paper cut with a cotton swab and alcohol. It was good, but it didn't feel relieving. It was a pang that Niall expected but didn't think it would happen deep that it took him a while to make up a response that didn't show Zayn he'd be caught off guard.  
  
_6:39 lol, i don't see it. anyway, i can't fix it. im just gonna continue this until he leaves me alone  
  
6:42 You're going to lose friends doing this, Niall...  
  
6:44 i drop them like flies. i dont care_  
  
Zayn stopped replying afterwards, so Niall was left to cringe at the texts from the Facebook shite head. He's friends with this girl who Niall knows had a thing for him too. It's very peculiar. Somehow, everyone only likes him when he can remember that everyone liked Zayn last year. Truth be told, it pissed him off. Zayn was like him too. He had constant company chasing after him.  
  
Niall could talk all this negativity about Zayn having the same effect on everybody. Out of denial, he is different. There's a reason why everyone likes Zayn regardless. Maybe it's his soft-spoken voice or the very incognito status that he puts and pulls off. Niall doesn't know much, only that Zayn isn't out to hurt anybody.  
  
Even before James or Adam, it was Zayn who came long before anybody else did, and at that time, three years ago—Niall could never be where he is with Zayn today without accepting that he couldn't venture off any further than friends. There was fondness for him at the beginning. It was last year, and Niall just really wanted to be around him. So he pulled extra lengths to get Zayn to fancy him. It didn't work. If it did, Niall would find himself in the same position as he is with Adam. And he isn't.  
  
Now that he's thinking about it, it's been three years. They're both different, and they've gotten closer so it isn't like knowing Adam for five months or James for three months. Zayn's the only person who puts up a fight against his idiocy and arrogance, tells him what's wrong and what's right. If Adam told him to stop being a dick that he is, Niall considers the advice; though take no initiative to listen. It's something he doesn't want to fix at all.  
  
—  
  
Preston's post-exam party was at his flat. Everyone that Niall knows, they brought their friends. And somehow, he knows them all too. It's a small world, one that he's tired of trying to be a part of.  
  
What he's drinking is probably long island iced tea, but whoever mixed it – doesn't know proportions and quantity. All he tastes is coke. Although, it's easier that way to get drunk than bear through the sour taste of whiskey and the burning fire of liquor in his throat. Let it taste sweet and candy-like, won't even know the alcohol is there.  
  
"How'd your exam go?" Sophia nudges with her elbow. "We are finally finished! I am so happy. I was so stressed, I think I lost lots of hair..." She continued to release the anxiety out. Niall listen while half his focus was on the areas he could see people in. The living room, the kitchen—no sight of him.  
  
"After finishing exams, I don't care what I did or didn't do on it. As long as I know I'm passing." Niall licks his lips, tastes the coke and lime juice concoction.  
  
"Anthropology sucks by the way." Sophia laughs. "I took it in high school. From what I remember, everyone studied apes and monkeys."  
  
"From what I remember, you were a loser in high school."  
  
"Everyone slept on me, and now look where I am."  
  
"Living life with a superiority complex." Niall guesses.  
  
"That’s you, not me. I hope Adam dumps you."  
  
Niall starts to laugh. "I think he already has. He stopped chatting with me about two weeks ago. Finally." It took nearly too long in Niall's taste for somebody to give up on him.  
  
"Let the awkward phase between everyone commence." Sophia raises her eyebrows quickly then relaxes.  
  
"Adam hangs out with Jade, and she hung out with other people long before we came around. They're a friendly duo. They can find a new set of friends." Niall rolls his eyes. Like he said. He drops friends like flies.  
  
The loud slurping of ice hit him, and he quickly swayed his empty drink. Only, he looks up to finally find Zayn. Stupid tit disappears on people all the time, never to tell where he'd be. Sophia was snaking through crowds, having good friends everywhere while he pursued to chat with Zayn. He came with him after all—and Sophia.  
  
"God, where'd you go?" Niall scoffs pissed.  
  
"Just talking to people." Zayn smirks at Niall. "Which you do, frankly well—"  
  
"Stupid bloke just shoved me, and I've got my drink all over." Leigh scoffs. Leigh is, Zayn's best friend from high school. Someone said sweethearts before when Zayn introduced her to him and Niall completely tuned out. Yeah, he'll admit he's threatened. But you have to look and know Leigh well enough to be envious.  
  
"Change into this." Zayn starts to slip out of his jean button down. He hands it to Leigh, exchanging with her for the half-empty glass of mojito.  
  
"This cologne, really... You know I hate it. It reminds me of car fresheners." Leigh puts an arm through, and begins to button up. It touches the edges of her shorts.  
  
Car fresheners don't smell that bad. Some smell really great. Niall doesn't know what type she smelt but Zayn smells great. It reminds him of his after shave, something like cool and misty that would wake him up.  
  
He couldn't stand there much longer, feeling like an outsider that just tries to fit in so Niall bid his goodbye to Zayn who was busy with Leigh not to reply much but a grin. It wasn't worth staying around for.  
  
He didn't think Zayn would be with other people. Sophia has her boyfriend so he couldn't third wheel them while they made out. That's a pretty sad story to tell anybody. All in all, he didn't expect Leigh to be here tonight when she goes to university in Liverpool.  
  
"Hey Niall." James greets him with a gesture using the hand holding his drink. He's got a very charismatic aura Niall stays but retracts to like two magnets that can't stick together.  
  
"Hey James. Have any idea who the fuck made the drinks?" Niall asks with his eyebrows narrowed in.  
  
"I think Keith, but there's also Tristan." James shrugs while he laughs at Niall's hostility. "What's up? You seem like you're awfully unlucky tonight."  
  
"Unlucky in what way?" Niall laughs, taking the beer out of James' hand. He takes a step closer to James when Zayn walks behind him to go to the kitchen where the drinks are. Maybe he was finished talking to Leigh, but Niall guesses he can go back and find her. It's his turn.  
  
"Like, you alone. You ditched for girlfriends." James shrugs a shoulder. Shit, Niall just realized how close they are when his breath hitches at his chin.  
  
"I was ditched for one girlfriend."  
  
"Two, three, doesn't matter." James pushes their lips together. Niall's eyes widen when he feels James' hands on his lower back. When James pulls back, barely an inch off Niall's lips, all Niall could do was look over his shoulders and see Leigh with someone else that's not Zayn.  
  
"We can ditch everybody." James leaned in again, taking Niall's top lip between his.  
  
He feels like he deserves it tonight. After all, James was right. Everyone ditched him for other people, and this was the one company who wanted his. And James has great hair. Great hair makes a great face. He wasn't jaw dropping like a few certain people but he was up in his standards. He wasn't one to make things exclusive as well. That's what Niall really needs right now.  
  
James must've met his friends here to be able to disappear in the night. Niall's phone buzzed constantly in his jeans, people asking where he is. He wasn't wearing his jeans exactly right. They were on the floor, around his ankles.  
  
The loo wasn't classy. Niall wasn't expecting silk sheets with gold trimmings tonight. He's getting what he wants at least. James was against the sink being fucked. His nails were gripping the end of the counter; his body felt like it was being pushed violently every time Niall shoved his cock in. His knees were aching. Something tells him he needs to hit the gym again when he looks at his reflection in the mirror. Just a random thought.  
  
His neck was sweating, and Preston's place was already hot. He felt the heaters on, full blast tonight which couldn't have been actually convenient right now. James was moaning against the bowl of the sink, hoping no one would hear him begging and crying through the walls. But there might be a line up, and Niall could keep quiet if he wants to so he thrusts and thrusts, hips snapping into James until his teeth grit.  
  
It ended much quicker than he had thought. Good because people were banging on the door and Niall really needed to focus. And bad because it sucked that he found himself grimacing when James came into his fist with a weird whine Niall's laugh almost stifled over. The face wasn't because Niall felt incredible pleasure from him coming. Rather, James came without saying anything, after a moment that lasted nearly ten minutes. _Good cock, bad cock._  
  
He left the toilet to see the line-up extending to the corner going around the same time James came out after a few minutes. The party was dying down but there were still some life in the crowd. But he's not there to stay for them. The sight for a dark haired bird wearing a black dress that could seduce any lad was gone, and so is her boyfriend. It must've meant that they left without Zayn. That's great. That's really great.  
  
"You enjoy yourself?" He hears, and a smirk appears on Niall's face.  
  
"With what exactly?" Niall scoffs, and then turns to Zayn who seems to have not drunk at all considering how fine he looks. He was stripped of his shirt so he's just in a thin, plain white shirt now  
  
"So it wasn't you moaning in the loo just after you kissed him?" Zayn laughs.  
  
"He kissed me." Niall corrected him. Couldn't even sip a drink to get away from the conversation.  
  
"Yeah, I really don't care who kissed who." Zayn shrugs. Then looking at the time on his watch, he looks back up at Niall. "I'm heading home."  
  
"Leigh left already?"  
  
"Yeah. Liam brought his car since he came late and like, I thought you might've needed a way to get out of your fun. You guys were in there for..." Zayn waits with a grin.  
  
"Ten minutes." Niall spits.  
  
"But it seems like I didn't have to step in at all." Zayn drawls with a mischievous grin.  
  
"I would've appreciated if you did. Then we would've done that moment where I run after you with my clothes in my hand, but really, I'm actually running away. Then a celebratory high five."  
  
"Yeah, maybe." Zayn smiles, then he looks away with the smile disappearing off his face. "I've work tomorrow. Could drop you off if you're finished with the night."  
  
"No," Niall shakes his head. "I'm gonna stay."  
  
He wasn't finished here, even if Zayn's leaving. He won't be finished.  
  
—  
  
Niall's always thought about how it feels for Zayn to hug him or how it feels to get a hug back from him if he tried. He doesn't hug certain people either. It depends on whom and where does Zayn throw an arm or two around. Never around Niall, and he's pretty sure they're good friends. Yet, he was good friends with Adam.  
  
God, he shouldn't even be thinking about Zayn like that.  
  
He's around at the end of Zayn's shift so they can go and have dinner together. Niall's not sure what restaurant would reach Zayn's standards because he's really much of a guy who likes to cook his own food.  
  
"A waiter who works at one of the nicest restaurants likes home-cooked meals." Niall squints at Zayn, carrying a tray full of plates. It's completely odd for Zayn not to find any temptations on picking out a fry from a plate. He just has a smile and a caring attitude.  
  
He's a good waiter because Zayn doesn't acknowledge him while he's at the table. His undivided attention, all put into being a waiter.  
  
"Are you analyzing me?" He comes back, grimacing at Niall. "I hear contempt in your voice."  
  
"Yes. You're not tempted to order your own plate here for dinner? Why can't we eat here?"  
  
"I have strong will power." Zayn shrugs with a grin. "And because I want to eat coconut curry and frankly, no one does it right like my mom."  
  
"So if no one does it right like your mom, why are you cooking?"  
  
"Look, I never officially gave you an invitation to come have dinner with me, so you don't really have to come home with me, yeah." Zayn laughs, untying the apron around his waist.  
  
"We don't base things off invitations." Niall sneers at Zayn as he leans back against the counter. "We eat dinner like if I was in the cafeteria and you sit down with me."  
  
"Hah! Anything exclusive with you is far from anything I want with you. That's why dinner time feels like break time at the cafeteria." Zayn hangs his apron at the bar before he clock out at the back.  
  
Another paper cut. Niall didn't feel like having dinner anymore. Not with Zayn, not even himself. Zayn's upfront about those things but Niall has never felt like shit like he does now hearing Zayn and him won't ever be together. If he says goodbye now, Zayn will eventually back track to what either of them said and find out Niall's going the extra mile for him again. Or, has been since three years ago.  
  
They get to Zayn's flat in less than 40 minutes. It felt like a complete two hours instead to Niall, and Zayn's the one who just came off work.  
  
It's hard to act like everything is fine with Niall when his best friend is a psychologist-wannabe. He won't even literally mean to read him, he would just know something's wrong with him. And Zayn doesn't have a hard time getting things out from him. He could do it with a blink of an eye and Niall could spill the codes to a nuclear bomb hidden under the desert of Las Vegas if this was ever an espionage life.  
  
"You don't mind that I take a nap on your bed or something?" Niall asks while Zayn's in the loo.  
  
"Why are you even asking? You do it all the time." That means it's a yes.  
  
Niall pulls off his jeans before tucking under Zayn's duvet. This he did a thousand times here, and this only time—he watched Zayn pull his shirt over his head. He couldn't, not feeling like a total shit, so he pulled the duvet up to his face even more and pressed it against his eyes.  
  
Fuck, he's going real crazy now. He can smell Zayn's scent on the duvet and it's driving him crazy. It's the smell of goodness, and also one of Polo's perfume lines. How's he supposed to take a quick shut-eye? Oh god, every inhale, it's Zayn's scent. It's the scent of cigarettes and the aftershave—a fucking scent Niall's ready to choke on.  
  
Maybe Zayn could really be the one he finally ends up with. No more jokes, no more apathy, no more running away. There's always going to be the finish line with these sorts of things, and Niall's thinking over and over, not napping like he should, that Zayn would be someone great to date. He's got a mind of his own, and a very laid-back mindset. Yet, he can be serious when he needs to be. He may not drive a mustang like Adam or work the best job. Still, Niall feels safe and happy around him.  
  
He gets up an hour after when he can begin smelling the overpowering scent of sweet coconut instead of Zayn's scent. It makes his stomach grumble and he's hoping it doesn't rumble loud enough to embarrass himself in front of Zayn.  
  
"Haha, sleeping beauty is awake." Zayn guffaws mockingly at Niall before Niall can shove him away.  
  
"And you—" Niall pauses, while Zayn indulges on the silence. He presses his fingers on his temple. "You...err fucking annoying."  
  
"And that's why you're here right?" Zayn lifts both his eyebrows.  
  
"I hate you, actually." Niall groans.  
  
"No, you love me." Zayn gushes. "With all your heart and stupid head."  
  
"What?" Niall's blew wide open at Zayn. His heart is beginning to pound.  
  
"Oh no." Zayn mutters, then he starts to laugh when he looks at Niall. "I'm just kidding. I'm not being literal. I know you don't."  
  
"What about you?" Niall asks quietly. He looks down at his hand—his forefinger digging down on a mark he got from a jellyfish sting around 8 months ago.  
  
He can't believe he's doing it. He's never done this before in his entire life. He hasn't done anything first at all, let alone talk it out. The one time he chooses to do something for his first time, it's with Zayn who's staring at him with his stupid brown eyes like Bambi, attention focused all on him now.  
  
"I-I don't know." Zayn stammers. He must've understood exactly what's going on. Meanwhile, Niall's mind is going blank and he's back to square one. "You're—you. And I'm me... I haven't actually..."  
  
"Okay!" Niall laughs sheepishly, and then he begins to take steps away towards the door. "I actually have to be home before 9. I'm sorry I can't stay." Shit, his cheeks are throbbing. Now, he knows why everyone calls him an asshole.  
  
"Niall, what are you doing?" Zayn turns him around to look at him with a grimace on his face. "You know you can't do these things and run away. You know you can't with me so tell me what's going on, and why you're acting different."  
  
"My stupid head told me to ask you how you feel about me, and you didn't answer so I'm going home." Niall will at least give himself the credit for admitting that to Zayn.  
  
"No, you're not going home." Zayn forces his word out. Why does Zayn have to talk to him like he's scolding him? He hasn't even done anything and Zayn's already pissed.  
  
"You're gonna talk to me." Zayn says slowly and collected. "You're not gonna run away like you always do and find yourself to text someone else about you and me. We are going to talk. And you are not gonna run away."  
  
"I can't talk to you." Niall has a grip on the door knob. His voice is as quiet as a croak.  
  
"Why's that?"  
  
"Because you know what I'm gonna do." And to even admit that, he feels humiliated.  
  
"I do. But why are you gonna do it?"  
  
"It's what I always do." Niall shrugs.  
  
"What do you always do?" Zayn asks collected as he can.  
  
"I leave when things happen to be going great."  
  
"So don't."  
  
Niall huffs, twisting the doorknob. "That's the worst advice you've given me. If I don't want to, I wouldn't have done so."  
  
Leaving is impossible when Zayn's pushing the door closed. He turns the lock. "So why do you do it if you don't want to?"  
  
"'Cause I'm fucking terrified of having things change."  
  
"You told me you wanted to date. Can't date someone unless change happens."  
  
"So I won't." Niall holds his blink down. "I'm going to head home."  
  
Zayn tries to put himself more between Niall and the door that Niall's letting his hand go from the doorknob, shaking behind his thigh. "You never asked me how I feel."  
  
Huffing, he rolls his eyes. Speaking is far from Niall's intentions. To speak about things like these face to face only leads to problems they have to deal with together and Niall never wanted problems. It hurts his stomach to know he's pulled Zayn into his personal dilemmas. He has no intentions of working it out.  
  
Twisting his lips to the side, honesty just might be a good thing for the both of them. Zayn looks at Niall's eyelashes as he looks to the side. He blinks slowly, watching for a reaction within the silence as he mutters, "I've thought about it. Only, I knew that you'd avoid me once the cards are on the table...”  
  
Niall looks at Zayn, trying to see the different tone of browns in one second. He turns a second after, looking down at his shoulder. "If you liked me, then why didn't you do anything?"  
  
"I don't do people like you. I don't move fast like you and expect what I know I'm gonna do when it's all over." The last thing Zayn wants is to know he's going to leave at the end and spend all this time doing that kind of thing to someone who's not going to be eye to eye. That's Niall. That's something he forgets. He furrows his eyebrows as one quirks up when he looks at Niall. "I'm also scared that you'd end up running away and you'd never come back."  
  
"I'd come back." Niall says very quietly, looking off to the side. He knows he'll come back. Guilt finds a way to eat him alive until his bones are left and there's nothing left to do but to be honest.  
  
"No, you would not. You say it all the time. You leave when things are great." Zayn leans off the door so he could side step from Niall and walk back to the kitchen. "If you want to leave, go ahead. I'm not going to stop you." Niall suddenly has an urge to press a hand over his heart. Even then, he couldn't stop it from racing.  
  
Then his voice fell from the confidence that made Niall believe it was all over, that Zayn could not care less if Niall leaves right now and never comes back. Niall tried hard not to let it get to him, to let Zayn know nothing of anything. Yet he couldn't—Zayn wasn't finished torturing Niall. "And maybe, I'll be lucky if you ever text me again."  
  
Niall doesn't have to think much about turning the lock, and turning the knob to pull the door open. He already did it through the whole conversation. He's out in a second, catching all the air he lost in what he felt was five hours. His chest feels like it's about to cave in. He never thought Zayn would like him back. It was almost too good to be true when he's the last person Niall would expect to. Zayn is mindful, even owns some kind of acute senses to know the details around him before anyone else could say it out loud, and he thinks thoroughly about everything that's in front of him and then some. Even if Niall initially wanted to see if Zayn would like him at the end of some time, Zayn would read him. And it seems like he has, not to indulge what Niall does to other people.  
  
It would be all over if he leaves, Zayn's right about that. Every part of his body is inching him closer to the elevator but he knows if he stays, nothing bad will happen. He can trust Zayn enough to know that. He hasn't let anything happen between them that affected them in a wrong way. He's thoughtful and thinks about him first than his own self. Someone needs to think about Zayn before themselves.  
  
He'd always been there for him and Niall couldn't even see that. Nightmares of 3AM would wake him up, leaving him awake for a couple of hours if he doesn't talk it out with somebody. So, Zayn would always be on the other end of the phone. It's late, and all anybody could hear are languid voices and muttering. It happens rarely, but Niall knows there's a reason why he calls him instead of anybody else.  
  
He's been around long enough that they're sick of each other—sick that they don't spend as much time together as anybody would with their best friend. It happens once, lucky if it's twice since Zayn's working all the time and Niall has nothing but readings to do.  
  
He knocks on Zayn's door, tapping his knuckles twice on the surface before his mind is already changing his mind and his face is heating up. This will be different.  
  
And he's welcomed by the most genuine smile he's ever seen. "Hey." Niall can't see Zayn pretending that nothing just happened between them. Yet, if he did and Zayn had gasped in surprise like this was some sort of movie, Niall wouldn't wanna stay either. There's no winning side with him. But the smile works.  
  
"I don't want anything to change." Niall blurts out, and he's looking down to a random spot on Zayn's torso.  
  
"If that's what you want, I'm cool." Zayn shrugs a shoulder when he opens the door wider for Niall to step inside. Of course he is, Zayn hid the fact that he liked Niall all this time. If that's not dedication.  
  
There's silence between them that used to make Niall and Zayn sitting through it be an experience, not torture. There's the sound of sizzling and heat from Zayn's pan as he cooks, and Niall's rubbing his hands on his thigh.  
  
“So if, we're dating now..." Niall mutters unconvinced. He sighs, looking around Zayn's apartment. So far, everything looks the same, and kind of feels the same way.  
  
"Is that what you want?" Zayn queries. His eyes have this gleam; the one Niall's chest heaves to before he looks away. "What are you trying to say when you want things the same way then?"  
  
"I meant, don't do anything you wouldn't do if we were just friends." Niall's lip tightens, and then his eyes wince at Zayn. "Like, be you, right now. I don't want to see you any different than who you are to me right now."  
  
Smiling, he raises his shoulders. "If it makes you feel comfortable, sure."  
  
"Okay," Niall takes a deep breath and waves Zayn away. "You do what you need to do."  
  
"I've already finished cooking. Zayn laughs when he goes to the side of the open kitchen. "I'm going to go ahead."  
  
"Yeah, you go ahead. I'm gonna... Read emails..." Niall sneers at his phone, sitting at the middle seat of the counter. Back and forth, he scrolls, hoping the looks he's stealing from Zayn behind his phone won't get him caught.  
  
"You're kidding me, Niall? Emails?" Zayn laughs.  
  
"I actually like getting emails." Niall grins when he refreshes his emails. The one time he'll read his emails would be right now, a good time. It sucks when he only gets one and it's from stupid clothing stores he never shops at anymore.  
  
"You're an odd one." Zayn sits adjacent to him, fork in hand. "Never answers his phone, likes getting emails."  
  
"It feels like a personal message to me." Niall locks his phone and holds his chin with his elbow over the table.  
  
"So must we use mail carriers now?" Zayn begins to eat from his plate.  
  
"Who's we?"  
  
"Your friends?" Zayn lifts a brow, but there was a look between curiosity and thought. "I'd probably use a dog."  
  
"A dog?" Niall laughs quietly.  
  
"It's fast and convenient. You live like half an hour away so the dog's mission won't be that far. I'll have a note attached to its collar."  
  
"Saying?"  
  
"Hi. What's up?"  
  
"Wait, so you're texting me using a dog carrier?" Niall laughs again. "Won't that take longer?"  
  
"You said it feels personal. How personal can you get getting a message from me by some dog?"  
  
"That's a lot of work. Maybe I'll stick with the iMessage..."  
  
Zayn's smiling at Niall as Zayn chews. To think Niall wouldn't notice, he looks away.  
  
"Are you sure you're not hungry? I actually cooked extra for you." Says Zayn to bring Niall's attention back.  
  
"No, I'm okay." Niall tries to lean away but he remembers he's on a stool. Despite the amount of words he replies back to Zayn, Niall really doesn't want to talk. Reading his emails was an escape to talk, and all they've done is talk.  
  
"Here." Zayn gets a forkful, enough to bring it up and aim it towards Niall's mouth.  
  
He shakes his head, curling his lips in like they're glued together. "Zayn." Niall growls, and Zayn puts his fork back on the plate, laughing. This is both something Zayn would and would not do, and Niall feels conflicted whether or not he should quit this whole thing.  
  
He actually can't pretend he's not hungry. The smell is up his nostrils like it's allergy season and pollen is everywhere. That forkful is enough to keep him satisfied until he gets home anyway. He reaches for it, no words from Malik, no words to Malik, nothing stopping him.  
  
"Shit." Niall frowns. There's a balance between coconut and turmeric that Niall's metaphorically shaking his head at. He can't believe Zayn took time to fry the shrimp with a batter to make it crunchy enough but not soggy joined with the sauce. He even took time to deal with basmati rice but rice is just really easy to prepare overall. The taste, the heat, the texture of the broth...  
  
Zayn watched him take another forkful, before he decided for him. "I'm gonna get you a plate." He got out of his seat.  
  
"Yeah, oh my god. Please, I'm starving."  
  
Zayn starts to laugh and adds extra portions for Niall. He's always been bad at lying. He puts the plate in front of Niall, who still happens to have Zayn's fork so he plucks out another one for himself.  
  
Niall crashed after dinner. He was collapsed over the couch, eyes nearly set to close while Zayn stands above him with his arms crossed.  
  
"Your mom actually blessed you with cooking skills." Niall groans.  
  
"You knockin' out?" Zayn chortles under his breath.  
  
"Yeah. I'm so—tired..."  
  
"Take the bed."  
  
"No, no." Niall waves his hand at Zayn, hitting his hip by accident. "I like it here." That, and he can't get off the bed.  
  
"You could just stay over."  
  
"Maybe." Because it's not like he's never before so he can't say no. He has done it a couple of times when he was drunk that he has his own toothbrush here. Those times that he stayed over didn't involve them dating.  
  
There was a pat and at least a stroke over Niall's head before he could hear, "Okay, goodnight." Laughing under his breath, Zayn flicks the light off.  
  
"Goodnight, Zayn." Niall purrs quietly.  
  
-  
  
Sometimes he feels empty, and sometimes he feels like everything is too much. Maybe he overanalyzes things way too much and that Zayn isn't actually trying to change anything between them. They see each other less because classes are over, and it's practically summer for them now, but they still see each other in the same way as they did not dating.  
  
Yet, there are times Niall's panicking internally when Zayn's extra nice to him, like how he'll pay for their drinks. Niall's not saying that they wouldn't do it for each other if they're not dating; Niall just likes when Zayn jokingly argues with him about forgetting his wallet at home. He doesn't like it when Zayn pulls out his wallet and starts to distract Niall by calling him names and analyzing him.  
  
It all feels too weird to him that he keeps quiet most of the time unless Zayn's talking to him. The usual would be that Zayn questions him, interrogates why his big mouth would be close but he keeps quiet too. A lot.  
  
It's scaring him a lot not to try and fuck up. Losing Zayn is the last thing he wants, but if everything feels too heavy, he might just give up.  
  
He's stacking up plates on the shelf. One by one, he places them on top. There are at least 18 a stack before he has to start a new one.  
  
Sophia turns to him, staring at Niall's rapid stacking skill. It's getting too loud that people are stopping by the aisle of plate ware. Niall keeps going, letting plates clash on top of one another, not minding the damage he's probably doing to them.  
  
Sophia pulls the plate from his hand, placing it beside for a new stack. "Do you need a break?" Sophia whispers.  
  
"I have to talk to you." Niall looks up at Sophia. The two of them work at John Lewis. No one really goes to shop for anything there like ASDA so it's pretty quiet. They're on stack duty so it's extra quiet for them.  
  
By the softness of his voice, Sophia is concerned. "What's up?"  
  
"I'm dating Zayn..." This is the first time Niall's ever mentioned anything about the two of them since Zayn's little outburst about Niall running to someone else.  
  
But she's smiling and laughing. There's a smile growing on Niall's face too. It's very soft for Sophia not to notice at all. "Since when?"  
  
"Three weeks ago." Niall's got a grimace on.  
  
"Are you treating him good?"  
  
_The million dollar question._ "That's what I wanna talk to you about." His voice drops monotone.  
  
Sophia's face turns blank. "Niall, what did you do?"  
  
"N-nothing." He sighs. "Everything just feels different. I feel like he's different now, I feel as if I can't talk to him the same way as before."  
  
Sophia stares at him for a while. Niall tries to count the plates he kept stacking on before he's taking out a few plates to add to the next stack. He can feel her eyes on him, and it's searing right through his skin when he hears the faint sigh from Sophia. "You're backing out." She realizes.  
  
"No!" Niall scoffs, he looks away. "It's just too hard for me. I don't wanna treat Zayn like I did with everybody else."  
  
"Do you like him?" Because Sophia just has to ask this all the time and the answer is always the same but the outcome isn't.  
  
There's a pause that Sophia groans to. Niall quickly turns to her, "Yeah." He eventually answers immediately right after; his voice faint. "I just don't know how long it'll last." He adds with his lips barely moving.  
  
Crossing her arms, she hits him with, "Why do you always anticipate something new?"  
  
"What?" Niall looks caught off-guard.  
  
"Like in your thrill."  
  
"What thrill?"  
  
"The thrill of having people chase after you. That's why you do it." She says intently. It sounds like she's pushing to her point. "Niall, you play tag with these people. You chase after them, and then they chase you back. And once you guys finally catch a break, you're ready to chase someone new again."  
  
Niall huffs, furrowing his eyebrows at the truth. "I like believing I can make someone like me. I-I don't know."  
  
"I, used to do it before Liam." She says slowly, looking up at Niall. Liam is her 2-year boyfriend. "I stopped, because the last thing I wanted to see, was Liam run away from me."  
  
If there was anything he could have lived not hearing, it was that. Niall really needs new friends who give bad advice. That way, they condone the bad decisions he shouldn't make and he'll feel better about it.  
  
"Are you scared of him?" She has that look on her face—convinced that he is.  
  
"No." He denies.  
  
Right... She shakes her head at him. "What are you scared of?"  
  
Niall doesn't exactly have a fear in all of this—he has a lot that correlates. He can't put it to words, but there is one. "Being vulnerable."  
  
"You're both vulnerable at this point." Sophia laughs. She smiles at Niall when he quietly exhales. This time she caught the curl at the corner of his lips—the smile he keeps hiding from everyone. "Come on, you've been dating for three weeks. You were smiling when you told me. I know you wanna spill."  
  
"This is why I hate dating. I don't wanna spill anything. It's just between Zayn and I, okay?"  
  
"Ah..." Sophia sounds like she discovered something. "You're the private type."  
  
"Really?" Niall drones, chin dropping at her.  
  
"Come on!" She laughs, taking his chin in her hands. "You've liked him for some time now. Like really like him. Now you're actually dating. Give yourself a minute. You're growing up!"  
  
"Fine." Niall pulls his chin back from her hand. He holds his nape, hoping he can sound and look nonchalant that this situation actually is. "I told him I want things to stay the exact same as before, and it has. We don't do much but talk, which is always good..." Niall sighs softly as he muses. "Except, I wanna snog him so bad." His voice rushes out quietly, that Sophia's mouth is dropping open. He's gushing like a fountain. “I think he’d be really amazing at snoggin’. He smells great too. I just wanna be so close to him all the time but we haven't hugged before. It'll be so fucking weird if we do. God, I know his hugs will be so damn good, I'd probably melt in his arms."  
  
"Hey!" Sophia laughs. "How long have you been holding that in?"  
  
"A fucking year." Niall blows out a breath.  
  
"What else?" Sophia finds every bit of this intriguing.  
  
Niall blinks to the side, frowning when he finally accepts some of the things he keeps denying Zayn of. Only to keep his ego levelled right. "He's so funny." Niall laughs a little. "This was last summer when he coached a football league with his uncle for little kids, so like he's co-coach. The season was finishing up, so he told the team how great it was to coach them, how much they've improved, goodbye, see-you-all-next-year farewells. Then when he got home, his uncle was asking him why he pulled out the speech on the kids, and he found out just after that the season ends next week Friday."  
  
"Oh my god, did he do it again?"  
  
"Yeah, he kind of did it again and they all laughed at him."  
  
Niall pauses. And he feels the need to say something next.  
  
"He's nice. Not the innocent nice like you." Niall looks at the space between the stack of plates. "He doesn't sugar coat things like everyone who thinks I can't handle anything. He gives it straight, a-and I like that. He's brutal sometimes, but it's nice to me."  
  
Niall just has to owe it to Zayn for making his mind a humble abode because he can't stop thinking about him.  
  
Sophia nods, and the two are busy giving each other looks. She's smiling smugly; Niall's trying to throw her off by giving them same, mocking grin. He didn't know what this was for. It just involves Sophia's tainted brain.  
  
“So..." Sophia exaggerates with a smirk.  
  
"So...?"  
  
What's his cock size?" She blurts out.  
  
Niall starts to cackle. "Are you kidding me?"  
  
"What? You know I'd—"  
  
"It's up there, Sophia. It makes me happy." Niall laughs, then he quickly clamps his mouth shut. "Okay, I'm fucking done. No more. We didn't even fuck yet. I don't wanna talk about him anymore. I hate him. Piece of shit."  
  
"Yeah, whatever." Sophia smirks at the sight of Niall's red, vibrant cheeks.

—  
  
"Since when did you ride a bike?" Zayn watches Niall unlock his bike from a pole. Niall came at the end of Zayn's shift to surprise him. It's not a surprise when he's done it numerable times. He only brought his bike because from where Zayn works and where he lives, there's a park in the middle.  
  
"Since I was 6." Niall grips the handles as he stands by it. "And since the weather is warming up."  
  
"Do you wanna stay at the park? It is good weather."  
  
"Yeah, I guess."  
  
"Wanna grab anything before we head out?” Occupied by his hands pushing through the contents of his bag, Niall is sure that Zayn has never sounded so serious and caring before this moment. He's tedious but firm tone has definitely been noticed.  
  
His voice is faint when he answers, ”No. I'm fine.”  
  
"Well, I have wraps in case you want something." Niall pouts back at Zayn. In return, Zayn grins. "I know you, don't worry."  
  
Niall will gladly worry if he wants to.  
  
He keeps a close distance around Zayn while he bikes. He doesn't have nifty tricks to show off but he can bike side to side like any other kid can. He nears behind Zayn who's busy scouting the area for a spot, just to bump his wheel against his leg.  
  
"You're gonna kill me." Zayn grits his words when he lightly shoves Niall away from him.  
  
Niall laughs as he dodges Zayn's hand on him. "There're a lot of people today. Sure you wanna stay here?"  
  
"Mmm-hmm. There's a good spot under a tree."  
  
All Niall cares about is the lack of people around them. He doesn't like it when people get loud or if their ball rolls towards them. Now to deal with Zayn like as if they're going on an actual date, it terrifies him. He knows Zayn's just here to hang out and it feels more than just that.  
  
It makes him irate that Zayn looks extra fit today. Him and his stupid middle part hair, dumb all black attire with a snowy cardigan—just fuck him. He's not even trying and Niall's flustered. Letting his bike sit on the ground, he stands back up beside Zayn, and right then his temptations are kicking in.  
  
"Do you have painkillers on you?" Niall blurts out. He is starting feeling a pang in his mind, and it isn’t because of Zayn’s intimidating good looks.  
  
"Oh, uh yeah." Zayn turns his back towards Niall so he can open his bag. "Front pocket. Water's in the bag itself."  
  
Niall unzips the front pocket for some pills. Interesting, he's got his keys, a lighter, gum, an unopened cigarette pack, and condoms. Oh, those are always nice. He uncaps painkillers and pours one out for himself before he can close it and zip the bag shut.  
  
He keeps it closed in his fist when he opens Zayn's bag. Extra clothes, cologne, deodorant, of course the wraps Niall didn't want but probably could eat because he's damn hungry now, and the water bottle. At least he doesn't hide weird stuff in there.  
  
"Thanks." Niall pops the pill in his mouth, and sips enough from the water bottle before he can turn Zayn back around and hand it back to him.  
  
"It's cool." He shrugs a shoulder, taking a taste of the water for himself. He holds it from the bottom with his entire hand. That, is something Niall's never noticed. It's odd but very attractive of him. Why did he never see that before? Why does he even care? That's the first question he should ask himself.  
  
He pulls the bottle away, his lips glistening like dewdrops on grass at night. Niall's swallowing down the sight of Zayn licking his lips. It's nothing, it's nothing, Niall tells himself. It's just Zayn's firm and plump lips. It's no big deal. It’s—a very big deal.  
  
He did it. Of course he did it. He just had to. He let his lips press over—filled with an awkward feeling when it was as if Niall had just pushed his over. No, he wasn't aggressive. It was soft and tender—sweet if Zayn could see how hard Niall's cheeks are flushing in embarrassment.  
  
It was in a mere second Zayn's pulling away, yet—that wasn't it. Zayn parts his lips open and nudges right over Niall, fitting his lips in between. His hand is on Niall's forearm, pressing his fingers down through his sweater before he can officially pull back.  
  
Niall blinks a few times; he’s certain that it finally happened. His face wouldn’t feel as hot as the summer’s sun in Miami as it does now where he’s left speechless and mindless. The moment is still fresh within his mind—like a stop-motion movie. He could see each picture that makes that two seconds feel like a whole hour to him. Zayn kisses like he means it—whatever he could possibly want a kiss to mean—he proves it well. It’s not in any way Niall perceives the kiss to be aggressive. It was understanding, at the same time hesitant and confident—a whole paradox Niall can’t explain. And maybe that’s why Niall’s left to find the words for his tongue to conjure in a labyrinth deep inside his thought. He didn’t think his mind would feel so free from a haze that made him hold back his steps to take forward.  
  
Finally, there’s the laugh he hates and loves altogether that mocks him quietly. ”Thanks for sharing your headache with me." Zayn smiles faintly where the corner of his lip curves up.  
  
Great, now he's making jokes.  
  
"That's why I took a painkiller before—that." Niall doesn't really have a headache. He felt a few throbs and didn't want for it to become a massive thing.  
  
Zayn sighs when he sits down. He unstraps his bag and Niall's left standing with his arms crossed while he watches Zayn lie down. "You make it sound like you'll contract a disease from me."  
  
Niall huffs. "Yeah, it’s the disease of bein’ an idiot."  
  
"You're very hostile right now." Zayn laughs, bending his arms back behind his head.  
  
"Please, stop talking." Niall derides through a groan when he sits down beside Zayn. His feet were hurting. That's all. "I'm still reflecting on what just happened."  
  
"It's called a moment of weakness." Zayn smirks. "Don't worry. Everyone has those."  
  
"But you don't." Niall scoffs. "Mr. Strong-Will or whatever you are."  
  
"That's correct." Zayn laughs then it quiets down to just the two of them staring and Niall quickly looks at the football game happening across the field. "Though, who's to say I haven't been weak all along?"  
  
Immediately, Niall has a grin after that and bows his head down. It eventually becomes a smile, one hard to mask with annoyance or disappointment. "Shut up." He shakes his head and lets the smile disappear.  
  
Zayn starts to laugh again, and ends with a lulling sigh. "You're funny."  
  
"I'm going home, right now." Niall starts to stand up. He picks up his bike, glaring Zayn who seems to be just basking under the fantastic weather that London never has. Good for him.  
  
"Alright. I'll see you tomorrow." Zayn gestures up two fingers.  
  
"No, fuck you." Niall huffs, just as he begins to walk his bike over to the pavement.  
  
Niall can't believe Zayn. No, he's not gonna see him tomorrow or the next day. Niall doesn't want to find himself constantly around that idiot. Maybe, he just has to fill his days planning stuff with Sophia and steal her from her boyfriend.  
  
He can't even believe his own self. The one who said who didn't want anything to change between them—decides to kiss his boyfriend. As if nothing would change now, everything will change. Niall can't even stop thinking about him—and the way he leaned right in for the kiss, letting his lips part before contact. God, that must be a habit of his, seeing how it made everything feel so perfect at the moment and it’s all because Zayn caught his lips between his own. Now there’s a firm pressure left on his top lip and the faint taste of his peppermint lip-balm. He’s so disgusted with himself. See, everything's changing already.  
  
He reaches the other end of the park. Pedalling usually hurts his thighs. It feels so different now. He runs his hands down his jeans, as if the fabric is the different. It's when he touches his pocket, he's groaning to himself—cursing and hissing—even up until he's turning his bike around, pedalling back into the park.  
  
He drops his bike immediately just after he hops off. Zayn's still in vacation mode—leg propped up, reading some kind of good book, who knows? Niall sat back down cross-legged with downcast eyes over the grass, holding his chin up with his elbow on his knee.  
  
"Zayn." He grumbles.  
  
"Yes?" Zayn replies derisively, keeping his eyes on his book. Niall frowns even more when he realizes that as much as he wants to talk back and argue with Zayn for nothing, he can't.  
  
"I have a favour to ask." Niall's voice inclines that it sounds like a question.  
  
"Mhm." Zayn flips turn next page—a dirty grin glued on his face.  
  
"I have to sleep over your place..." Niall pouts his lips out to the side while he stares up and avoids the inevitable eye contact that’s about to mess him all over the place.  
  
"Oh!" Zayn snaps his book closed. "Do you?" He smirks.  
  
"Please, Zayn. Can we not do this right now? I left my keys."  
  
"Yes, you can stay over."  
  
"Okay." Niall pauses. "Now give me your keys so I can leave."  
  
"Why don't you, take the wraps out of the bag, and enjoy what today has to offer?"  
  
"Is that what you're doing?"  
  
"Kind of. I'm enjoying the company."  
  
"Oh." Niall looks away with a contrite smile.  
  
Niall doesn’t hate the compliments that Zayn sends his way. It's just those kinds of things that catch him off guard, and he's fazed voiceless. Maybe letting Sophia know his thoughts on Zayn might be a good idea because his body feels like it's about to combust after today.  
  
He can't seem to admit he likes kissing Zayn, out loud or all for word inside his head. Maybe when somebody like Sophia asks him how he's doing, he might just start off how fucking amazing and terrifying it was to pull that kind of stunt on Zayn. He feels like a daredevil who just jumped over 20 vertical-lined trains and never touched ground yet.  
  
So he keeps quiet for Zayn, eats one of the wraps and keeps the other one saved. This just might be the longest time in their lives knowing each other that they've never argued. Ten minutes, and not one has made fun of each other. _Yet_.  
  
It seems like a good day for Niall when he let his hand fall from his knees. More like it slipped off onto the soles of his shoes where it slowly inched over Zayn's idle hand. Maybe what he's really afraid of are reactions. Because he was okay and relieved when Zayn turned his hand upright and held their hands together, and did nothing more than continue on his book.  
  
—  
  
Weakness is just a test of strength. That's what Niall thinks. The whole entire time two weeks he's spending alone, he's not doing much but work with stupid cookware and overpriced furniture that someone made who's being paid eighty cents an hour. Zayn's in the Seychelles with his family, having this one of a kind vacation in June. Bad time considering monsoon season is on the rise. As long as he's having a good time, Niall could say he's happy. Not impressed with the way he's feeling inside right now, but he could control it.  
  
It's only so long before a vacation has to end. Zayn is coming home after today, and all Niall has to do is get through today and he'll be able to see Zayn again soon, like sometime tomorrow hopefully. Though, he doesn’t know why he’s anticipating so much for his presence. Not seeing somebody that you usually see on selective days of the week puts on effect on certain people, that’s what he tells himself. And Niall's not sure what part of him is making him want to welcome Zayn back home after a two-week trip but it's there somewhere.  
  
His mind is tumbling with thoughts about Zayn. He wasn't really feeling too good at all. Maybe this isn't what he really wants at all. Everybody knows nobody wants to yell at the top of their lungs because of someone they love. Or maybe they do; Niall has yet to meet someone that does but that’s ridiculous. Niall doesn't even want to yell. He wants to suffocate because he can't take the pressure and constricting of his stomach that he's feeling regularly because of Zayn.  
  
He just wants to make up his mind like everybody else. How everyone has it so easy, he doesn't know. Sophia and her boyfriend can make out with each other like it's nothing and go back into a conversation about their families. If things were that easy between them, he'd be between Zayn's legs by now. Or married. Whatever comes first.  
  
—  
  
He wasn't down for another party. To make sense of things, he might decide to actually go for the sake getting out. Besides, he might just need to give Zayn some time to settle at home after Seychelles. There's this feeling inside Niall starting to grow—something called boredom. Niall's hoping that it's just his frenzy of emotions in a party.  
  
There were a few familiar faces. Some too familiar that Niall's sticking to the side of the room far away from them. He's in a group conversation with four people, talking about all sorts that Niall's too busy to pay attention to. That's until someone's nudging him.  
  
It's her brown eyes and golden curly hair that caught Niall in a weird place. She has olive skin and long, dark lashes. First word that comes to mind: angel.  
  
"You alright?" She asks, holding his shoulder. Maybe she's Sophia's friend. Everyone just happens to be friends with her. He's not one to talk about having too many acquaintances.  
  
"No, I just really don't give a shit about what that guy's talking about." Niall shrugs, blinking slowly with a smug and unimpressed grin.  
  
"He's actually just gloating about the amount of Michael Korrs purses he's got his girlfriend." She says. Well, it sounds like he's complaining more than gloating but that just might be the new form of expressing one's self these days.  
  
"Yeah? Maybe rip offs." Niall laughs to himself. "Those are actually mad expensive. Maybe it's because I'm a broke arse and I'm too selective on what I buy."  
  
"By selective, you mean you buy things that don't actually matter." She laughs, taking Niall's beer out of his hand. He tried not to make much of a face when she sipped from it and gave it back.  
  
Niall looks up at her. "Booze matters.” Not enough for him to sip from his beer again.  
  
"In what way?" She laughs all cute like this is the best conversation she’s ever had.  
  
"Social gatherings. The getaway to all things fun and exciting. Once you go Jack, you can never go back."  
  
"You're hilarious!" She laughs, putting a hand on Niall's chest when she leans closer. "Where have you been?"  
  
"Digging myself into bigger holes.”  
  
Niall puts an arm around, just in case she wants to keep leaning closer because that's exactly what she wants—her tits pressed right against his torso. Niall misses the feeling of tits, to be quite honest. If she leaned any more, she'll end up pinning herself onto Niall if they fall. That's the last thing he needs.  
  
"Oh, you're so cute." Her voice quiets down to a whisper, and her thumb is caressing a spot just under his lips.  
  
"I must be talking to Jack." Niall exhales. "You should meet Aqua." He hands her a fresh new water bottle. She gladly takes it with a giggle of hers before Niall's jumping to the next room.  
  
It's always been so easy, and every time it happens, he just wants to figure out why. People put themselves out way too much, ready to meet someone whoever says hi to them. Niall was never like that. He could never be someone who could really like someone else. It'd be some kind of miracle if he really likes someone up to the point he could say he's madly in love with them.  
  
He's bored. That's what he is. Move onto the next one if they finally say how much they like him. See how long it takes, what changed everything, and then move on—see if they'd be just as interested as you.  
  
Funny, it had never worked on Zayn. He was digging down any means to figure out if Zayn had already developed something for him, and it seemed like he never had any. He played everything off well. That's probably what caused Niall to change his mind.  
  
He's off to the terrace, a distance far enough for Niall to hear his own voice and not having to yell through the phone by accident.  
  
"Did I wake you?" Niall asks, quietly for some reason. Zayn's already awake if he answered his call. He doesn't need to whisper.  
  
Niall has a feeling Zayn's giving him some kind of dirty look through the phone.  
  
"It's only 10." Zayn replies confused.  
  
"I might've thought that jet lag had caught you in the wrong place." Niall leans against the railing, getting goosebumps when he realizes he's 18 floors up and backs up.  
  
"We're not exactly on the right page, jet lag and I, but we're managing."  
  
"What're you up to?" Niall asks out of nowhere.  
  
"Watching a movie. It's called, Cheetah Girls. They're in India."  
  
Niall looks up, rolling his eyes at his thoughts that eventually turn into his words. "If I come over, can we watch an actual movie?"  
  
"This is actually very entertaining."  
  
Niall winces an eye. "Can I still come over?"  
  
"You've been here quite often. Maybe you should just pack a suitcase with clothes and a towel, toothpaste because I'm running out, and bring food of yours and live here."  
  
Niall's eyes opened wider. Did he really just say that? Both of them are quiet, and Niall knows he has to say something back. Zayn's got the last word right now.  
  
"Um, is that a yes?" Niall grimaces. He turns back to go in; people are already yelling in his ear that he has to block his phone away from them.  
  
"Yes. What I'm saying is, you really don't have to ask." Zayn chuckles.  
  
"Alright, I-I'll be—"  
  
"Hey Niall, who you on the phone with?" Oh, the guy that everyone knows—James. Seeing him here shouldn't be surprising. Just knowing how terrible he is at sex, he can't look at him the same. He yells at Niall's other ear, so now Niall has to focus on keeping his ears intact by the end of the night.  
  
"I-It's Zayn!" Niall grimaces. Not like it should matter to him.  
  
James' gasps and moves to the other side where Niall's holding his phone. "Hey! Dude, I love you so much!" Niall tries to elbow him away but he's drunk and persistent.  
  
"What'd you say?" Zayn yells back that it hurts Niall’s ear.  
  
"No! It's James!" Niall shouts. Great, now he's screaming into the phone, wondering how it feels for Zayn’s ears. Niall glares at James who gives him a big smile and walks away. "He says, I love you so much!"  
  
"What's too much?"  
  
"No, _I love you so much!_ " Niall exclaims, reaching for his jacket that he threw into the supply closet. Easier grab than everyone trying to hang it up in the closet.  
  
"I-I love you too." Zayn’s voice shakes inadequately. His voice was warm, and Niall could feel it ghosting on his skin through the phone, and it makes him stop completely.  
  
He looks at his phone—it’s been a 6 minute call already. To let that happen in the 3 minutes he was trying to leave, Niall can't believe it. What does he do now? Heart's racing in total embarrassment for the both of them to fuck up like that.  
  
He looks around, hoping for anyone else to have heard it too. That way, at least someone would actually believe that just happened.  
  
“Niall? A-Are you there?” Zayn calls him hesitantly, and he puts the phone back against his ear.  
  
"U-uh, yeah. Sorry. I got caught by this—thing." Niall stammers, opening the door to the hall. When it shuts, it seems like the only thing he can hear is the blood rush in his head. "I-I'll be there."  
  
"I'll see you." Zayn says quietly this time, and hangs up right away.  
  
If the elevator isn't claustrophobic enough, Niall's sucking all the air that he needs to get through the night with. It's not enough. Niall doesn't want to head to Zayn's place anymore after what just happened. It wasn't supposed to happen. And he knows it did because Niall heard it right out of his mouth.  
  
He's wishing for Zayn to have never said anything back. Niall wouldn't have said anything back if the roles reversed. He'd second question it, wonder if everyone's in their right mind to say it.  
  
Zayn didn't propose with a diamond ring. But shit, to Niall, it feels like he did. In the right terms, it was actually him who falsely admitted those three words. He can't exactly tell Zayn that it was James who was yelling that to him. He should tell him. If he doesn't, Niall just might fuck this all up for everyone. Except he can't. There's no way in his mind is he gonna put Zayn on the spot like that.  
  
This is where the line should really end between them. Everything was moving so well when Niall couldn't figure Zayn out. It was better knowing that they could get out of dating without any problems than where they are now.  
  
The world hasn't collapsed. That's the good side to things. He hasn't died or found himself calling up Sophia for a way out. He doesn't feel necessarily different. Though, when he sees Zayn, he'll probably combust right then and there. He doesn't want to go home anyway. His place is boring. Not without the company he needs is he going to go home.  
  
Knowing Zayn, Niall could just open the door and be right in. He turns the knob, opening the door to see Zayn still lounging at the couch, hugging a throw pillow and clutching his phone like a weapon in a zombie apocalypse. It's in the first eye contact does he let everything go and relax.  
  
"No towel?" Zayn asks.  
  
Two weeks did him so well. He's got a good colour tan on him, and he even had his hair cut – hair is all messed to one side while the sides are shaved. It's a new look to Niall he's trying to grasp without being so in awe. He can believe Zayn could do anything if he can actually look fit with this stupid mainstream shaved haircut.  
  
Zayn's smirking at Niall when he gets no answer after a few seconds. All he's doing is staring and he's not trying to be any more subtle than he is now. "I-I have to borrow one." Says Niall, ridding himself from his jacket.  
  
"They're in the closet."  
  
"Thanks."  
  
He didn't get a towel when the both of them know Niall already has one hanging behind the door.  
  
The shower isn't that long. He showered earlier today, and he's really just washing the grime off from the party that almost ruined his life. For someone who lives alone, he really has a lot of variety of soap. He can understand shampoo—with amazing hair like his and knowing Zayn – he likes the routine. And they all smell like Zayn.  
  
2-in-1, he's brought in his toothbrush as well. He only had one beer tonight, yet he's already scratching his brush on his tongue and spitting the bitter taste out.  
  
He smells the faint scent of Ocean Mist when he leaves. Smelling like shea butter wasn't really his number one choice. It smells great, he won't deny it. Too sweet for his taste, he likes things to smell fresh like mornings.  
  
He sits with Zayn, who's just finishing up his movie. It's like high school music, but based on realistic music goals instead of high schoolers just bursting out into song.  
  
He notices the two scalding teas on the table. It smells like what a home should smell like: warm, sweet, and with an edge thanks to nutmeg. Zayn's really infamous for his lattes.  
  
"Since you know movies, you choose." Zayn hands him the remote. It looks like an iPod Nano.  
  
Niall shakes his head and finds the movie _Summerhood_ in no time. He's not much of a guy who liked summer camp. Summer camp was rather an unfortunate time for him which is exactly why he can relate to a bunch of misfits who ruin other children's lives. Well, in their terms—they're playing and having fun. That's everybody's excuse for anybody to do anything bad.  
  
"You watched this before?" Zayn asks.  
  
"No. Someone told me to, and I've been meaning to try." Niall exhales. "She says it's funny."  
  
"Great, so no one actually knows what'll happen." Zayn makes it sound like a first. It must be if Niall's agreeing. They never really watched a movie where one doesn't know anything. It's rather much of a show and tell to them than watching a movie together.  
  
The movie opens with a boy who runs across campgrounds with a broom just to join other boys who seem to be getting penalized. Ah, sounds familiar. They're getting penalized for nothing. Remembering Niall's days at camp, everyone but him got penalized for everything. It was amazing.  
  
There were moments they found themselves laughing together—parts like the kid who pooped into a canoe and the raging kid. Niall was focused on something else—maybe the fact that Zayn's got a really cute laugh that he never picked up before. Why? He doesn't know. There are some things you don't really notice from somebody else until you're really close to them. Literally. Niall wants to be, but there's nothing in his nerves that would give him the courage to just lean against Zayn and feel his arm finally wrap around him.  
  
He wishes for Zayn to read his mind and do it himself instead of Niall having to plan when it's right to sit against him. He wouldn't, only because Niall said he wants everything exactly normal. It might be too late for that now. If things were different, as if Niall never mentioned normal, he would probably never be where he is. He might be out with someone else; screwing around with them like it's nothing. And being with Zayn, maybe he's figured out why certain people let their guard down for someone who greets them with a hi and their name. Niall did, and he's not in half the shit and heartache he thinks he would've been.  
  
With a hand clenched around the handle with his other hand under the base, he's bringing his mug closer, sipping slowly at the edge. He's careful leaning back into his seat—more careful when he's leaning right against Zayn, and everything is becoming all warm and fuzzy. And it's not the tea.  
  
"Are you alright here?" Zayn asks him in his soft voice, just when Niall's finally close enough against him to have his arm around his shoulder.  
  
"Yeah." He answers quietly, resting his head on Zayn's shoulder. "Just... Haven't seen you for some time now."  
  
Niall could jump in immense joy if he didn't want to be glued to Zayn. His fingers caressed Niall's shoulder arm—skimming over the barely noticeable hair that seems to be standing up straight. Shit, he's thinking about just suffocating against Zayn right now. Sounds like a good way to die.  
  
"This is some movie." Zayn laughs at the kid being kicked in his sleeping bag.  
  
"I can vouch to you that camp is like that."  
  
"You went to camp?"  
  
"Yeah." Niall sighs. "Seniors made us kids their butlers. But that's if they find you. Unlucky if they had."  
  
"And you were?"  
  
"Not lucky. Just very skilled. High school kids were only out for a couple of hours before they complained about the heat so you had to time them right." Lunch hour was hard due to the mixed feelings. Many of them needed table butlers at the mess hall while many of the others too, would go back to the cabin to take a nap. It was a hard schedule afternoon. Surprise Niall remembers this much of camp. Oh right, it was torture.  
  
"On rainy days, there would only be a few of them out. Some a part of the groups that decided to boss us, they don't do anything unless they were with their mob. Other than that, we embraced the rain."  
  
"Do you remember any camp stories?"  
  
"Hm, I can remember one." Niall's lips twist. "A girl liked me. Was very confident about it. Ran after me across the baseball diamond, the field, and bridges. She must be cross country runner now. She was slow but her endurance was top level. Long story short, she tripped on a rock and chipped her tooth."  
  
Zayn grimaces just at the thought of a piece of her teeth on the dirt. "Could've given her a hug or something, maybe she would have left you alone."  
  
"If I had known she was gonna trip, I would've had my arms open."  
  
"Why'd she like you?"  
  
"Because I'm charming and irresistible."  
  
Niall could feel the vibrations from Zayn's quiet and low chuckling. Niall's huffing and flipping off the arm around his shoulder. He leans away from Zayn, scooting just a few inches away from him. Rolling his eyes, he's going to remember this moment where Zayn doubts him.  
  
"I wanna laugh." Zayn's laughing already, just not much for Niall not to put up with. "Can I laugh?" Niall feels a hand just below his nape, driving him to look away and swallow down how much it feels weird to have someone touch him like that.  
  
They're not even paying attention to the movie anymore. Niall's busy sharing stupid camp stories with Zayn when there's one going on in front of him—all with visuals and accurate story reference. But this just might be better than anything that's happened tonight.  
  
"It's funny because you were like 13."  
  
Laughing, Niall turns around to Zayn. He leans his shoulder against the back of the couch – the two facing each other without any idea that the movie is still going on. "I know. It wasn't exactly the highlight of my years."  
  
"If you think about it," Zayn puts a finger on Niall's temple, smiling as he does so. "Those years never really happened."  
  
"Oh, I hope not." There's a continuous wave of laughter in Niall. Laughing or smiling, it's all the same to him right now. He settles Zayn's arm down by holding his forearm, bringing it back down to his lap. "I barely achieved anything in those dark ages."  
  
Laughing quietly under his breath, Zayn doesn't think so. "I'm certain you have." He murmurs. There's a smile barely noticeable on his face that Niall could see. Before he knows it, he's smiling back. Only for a brief second.  
  
He shakes his head, and he's pushing himself up with a leg. “You are way too nice."  
  
But there's a hand around his wrist that brings him back down, his face hurting while his heart begins to race.  
  
"Please stop running." Zayn's got a focused look on his fingers wrapped around Niall's wrist. He lets them uncurl, and pulls his hand back to himself.  
  
That caught him off guard. "Zayn, I-"  
  
"I know this isn't something you'd wanna talk about. I really don't want to either." Zayn exhales and he waits. "I know you think about calling it over and I think it'd make you feel better if we did."  
  
"No, I'm fine. I don't." Niall's frowning at Zayn, his face softer than Niall's expression.  
  
"Then I'll say it's over for you." It sounds like Zayn's offering that choice. Niall doesn't understand why. One minute things are going well, and then a few moments later Zayn brings up how he knows Niall's thought of breaking up. At first, that's all he can think about. Letting things work itself out—he hasn't thought of that for some time, not more than a week now.  
  
Niall questions his intentions for the first time, and it's when he can't even read what's going on.  
  
"You know why, yeah? I don't have to mention it."  
  
"No, tell me. I wanna hear it." Niall demands sternly, raising a brow.  
  
Zayn’s eyes strain, along with his eyebrows when they try to push higher and together. ”You’re always running away from me. The one thing that you always do with everyone, and you do it with me." Zayn stares right at Niall just as he points at his chest. "You wanted nothing to change and I'm trying in my part for you. We're even going your pace. I don't care if we're together or not, I feel as if it's better. Really, I'm only asking that you stop running away."  
  
Niall blows out a breath just as he gets up. His blood is boiling, and he's not sure whether he's mad or ready to accept this whole thing. He was close. He hasn't made it this far into a relationship without wanting to bolt right when things feel different. Bolting sounds good right now, and it's probably the best plan even if he doesn't want to.  
  
"This whole thing isn't easy for me. I'm trying, Zayn. That's why I always come back." No more than a whisper or a mutter does Niall's voice reach any louder. He couldn't yell at Zayn, like what he's doing to him. The loud voices that make him weary—yeah, he deserves it. Zayn doesn't. He's only being honest.  
  
"I never wanted for you to run away in the first place." Zayn gets up from the couch, pressing the power off at the TV. All these noises, and Niall can barely think. Zayn sighs when he swallows. "I'm saying this to you, before I'm not here." He grabs the remote from the couch and places it on the coffee table just to make it easier.  
  
Zayn doesn't have to pretend to set things up again just to seem busy. Niall knows it's things for Zayn to do not to find himself standing face to face with him. It probably shouldn't hurt him more than it does now.  
  
Niall puts a hand on the curve of his neck and cheeks, only to make him stand still. He sees him swallow when he stares back, as if he can't hold the tears back when he can. Niall knows he can, and he has to. He's never seen him cry before, and if this is the one time that he does, he's not going to feel well by the end of this.  
  
His fingers press into his hair, and Niall's voice is going softer than a whisper or a mutter. "What does that mean?" He blinks, his expression softening by the second when he looks up to his gaze from being absently staring somewhere else on his face.  
  
"You're eventually never going to come back." Zayn swallows again, quiet and shallow breaths escaping between his lips. "And I-I'm not..." Zayn's staring back and forth from Niall's eyes and his lips. "Always gonna be..." He's gradually leaning in, holding Niall's forearm with a tight grip from his fingertips. Niall's settled his eyes down below, watching Zayn's lips slowly move. Tilting his head to the left, so dangerously close to Zayn for him to utter, "Here waiting for you..." And hearing his voice faint at the end, it makes him wonder when he is ever going to show the vulnerability he wants Zayn to see without being afraid of the red tint and beating of his cheeks.  
  
Their lips are soft and quiet over each other, barely any audible sounds in between Zayn fitting their lips together in the many seconds he can. Niall nudges his chin forward when the moments are right, just so he can catch when Zayn's pushing his hardest. Their lips part together, the two forcing them to attach for a moment too long where Niall's sucking a sharp breath in his nose, wrapping his arms over his back, and letting their chest touch that he can feel Zayn's heartbeat against him.  
  
Niall pulls back quick for a breath. They stare at each other for a moment; studying one another just before Zayn can push their mouths together, let their tongues meet in the middle as Zayn's fingers desperately press and rub over Niall's shoulder blades.  
  
"Niall," Zayn gasps softly, their kisses starting to become a sloppy mess when their lips drag just a bit over the skin of their top lip or below the bottom lip. “Don’t leave."  
  
Their pace and their kisses changed. It was the softest touch Zayn ever felt on his lips that made him take a step back. “I’m not.” Niall promised.  
  
“T-this is too fast.” Zayn’s face is tense enough for Niall to see in the low lighting of the living room.  
  
“It’s not.” Niall clenches Zayn’s hip. “It’s right.”  
  
Heart racing, Niall barely thinking right now—he leads them into the bedroom as his answer. Zayn’s almost right; They’ve jumped so quick into it, Niall’s chest is twisting like a rope but he doesn’t have a sense of direction right now to know what he really wants when he spent two minutes of his life sucking his best friend’s tongue. He wants to leave, but then again—this is just a side of Zayn he’s never seen, and he didn’t change altogether. Zayn’s still thinking about him—for him—to say it’s too fast. Either he knows him too well or Zayn’s still analyzing him like the annoying psychology student that he is. He laughs quietly just thinking about it, and he feels Zayn’s judging stare trying to get a hold of things, especially why Niall’s laughing. Niall doesn’t know either.  
  
Niall kisses the corner of Zayn's jaw just as rolls up the edge of his shirt. Careful and slow, he takes it over his head, quickly discarding it to the floor before his hand runs down his spine while Zayn mouths at his neck then lifts Niall's shirt off where he sucks in some air, and shoves his mouth right back on Niall's.  
  
Zayn exhales just when he pulls back, taking Niall's hand over his hip. He looks down between them, watching his sweats drag down from Niall's hands, his cock already hard against Niall's stomach. He kicks them off, along with his socks before he sits down at the edge of the bed, mouth already attached on Niall's hip. His hands work to unbutton Niall's jeans, mouth kissing at the edge. He pulls his jeans down while Niall continues to drag them down until they're gone from his ankles, removing his socks before he can really brace himself at the sight of Zayn sucking his cock.  
  
He slurps his head, and in a steady pace bobs his head down to the base—nothing but squelching and wet noises fill the room. Niall bites his lip as Zayn pushes his mouth back and forth over his cock, and pushes down where his head is at his throat. His cheeks are tight, the ring of his lips are too. Niall can hear Zayn moaning, feel the vibrations from his throat surge through his cock. He grips Zayn's hair, but Zayn still has full control. He pulls his mouth up to the head, slowly, for Niall. His tongue wiggles on the underside of his head as his mouth sucks around him. Niall moans out, gripping Zayn's hair tighter than ever as he feels the walls of his gums against his head.  
  
“Y-yeah, oh my god.” Niall exhales, biting his bottom pursed lip. Zayn bobs back down, without any kind of struggle whatsoever when his lips reach around the base. He shakes his head, nuzzling into Niall's groin, and the head of Niall's cock thick at his throat.  
  
“You like that? Tha’ good for you?” He should’ve known Zayn would be amazing at this. Maybe it’s the plump lips or that flat tongue of his he likes to stick out at him that gave out the clues he should’ve puzzled out together. Even talking, it sounds rough like his throat’s been affected by too much—groggy, like his morning slurring that he’s familiar with whenever he stays over.  
  
“It’s fucking—“ Niall’s breath hitches, his voice husky and threatening-like. “It’s fucking perfect.”  
  
There's an obscene sound of slurping when Zayn pulls up to his head, and lets his spit hang from Niall's head. He licks his lips, tasting that disgusting but bearable subtle flavour before he can suck Niall's thick head again. He swallows when he pulls away, and licks between the slit, tongue flicking over the tip.  
  
They move up the bed after, Zayn setting down on his back with his head over the pillows while Niall lays on his side, elbow on the side of Zayn's head, a leg hitched in between him. They only stare at each other for a while, Niall watching the life in Zayn's eyes watching all this happen because of him. Niall leans down over his lips, pressing them together before he can pull back and admire Zayn again, only to kiss him again with his tongue inside his mouth. He pulls away with a smack in between, Niall moving his face to Zayn's neck. He turns his head for Niall—his lips pecking down over the exaggerated muscle of his neck.  
  
Hand slipping down, Zayn tugs on his cock, wishing the throbbing would disappear. That was his first intentions—now with his fingers gripping tighter, palm pressing harder as he pumps his cock with the wet sounds squishing so fast, he needs to, just for him to do something while Niall's going down on him—mouth giving his neck the tightest, wettest, and loudest kisses he's ever felt. Niall's moaning quietly, goosebumps all over his arms the more he thinks about Zayn being under him, being decorated with kisses Niall is dire to make him fall in love with.  
  
He's barely doing anything but trail his lips down, and Zayn's nipples are already perking and his chest is heaving. His hand around his cock is getting tighter at the base as he slowly drags his grip back up. He's wishing he didn't have a limit tonight.  
  
Zayn swallows just as the heat of his tongue finally laps around his nipple. His other hand takes a grip on Niall's hair, while Niall's hand runs down his chest to his abdomen, fingertips digging down while his lips close over Zayn's hard nipple. He groans, just in the same time Niall's hand slips down between his legs, thumbing his balls, fingers fondling with a pressure too fiery for Zayn to continue stroking himself.  
  
"Where can I touch you, Zayn?" Niall whispers.  
  
Oh fuck, he said his name. Quietly moaning, Zayn sucks on his bottom lip just repeating his name over and over again in Niall's hushed and secretive voice.  
  
"Not just any spot." Niall continues; lying between Zayn's legs, his whisper ghosting right into his ear. His fingers are nestled in the roots of Niall's hair just at his nape while Niall's finger caresses over his waist. It's slow and light—so light and sensitive that Zayn’s skin is starting to feel itchy. His fingers caress over his ribs before he can curl every finger back but two and let them trace down his side.  
  
"Somewhere, that makes you think of me." Niall whispers right into his ear, sending him shivers he shakes off right then. "Somewhere, just between you and me." Niall squeezes the meat of his hip.  
  
Zayn's brain is going to melt if Niall keeps talking to him like this.  
  
"It's not the place..." Zayn says monotonous and slow, a tone of mischief that Niall's smirking at. Zayn's hands caressing down from his nape. One hand's slowly snaking its way down along the spine, fingertips barely moving back and forth against Niall's skin, while the other trails behind, two inches higher and away from the other hand.  
  
"Mhm." Niall softly groans, finding comfort in Zayn's neck. It feels so damn good and it's just his hands. He sounds like he’s in agreement but he’s just moaning because he’s not thinking straight at all. He shouldn’t be moaning like he is.  
  
"It's the way you touch somebody," Zayn's voice is deep and slow; nothing Niall's ever heard before, and it's driving him senseless. "That they'll think of you." Zayn's hands stop at small of Niall's back—so does Niall's breathing. Then they go on his waist, and everything's alright again. "Think of you when they're with their friends." Zayn continues, hands continuing down. "Think of you, when they're out." His hands are at the curve of Niall's ass. "Think of you, when they're alone." Niall's taking a deep breath in when Zayn grips both his cheeks and drags them up. His hips jut forward out of nowhere, right over the hips below him and Zayn's hands are going between his legs.  
  
He gets it completely and brings his legs on either side of Zayn whose hands slide over his thighs squeezing his waist. He leans down again, mouthing back on Zayn's neck.  
  
"I'll keep in mind the way you touched me." Niall whispers. "And your open legs that need my touch too."  
  
Zayn moans out in agreement, and Niall's lifting his hip off, making his way over at Zayn's feet.  
  
Niall settles on both his knees, separating Zayn's legs wide open. His cock is pulled back against his stomach. He could see how deep he's breathing through the sight of his chest heaving and the hollow dip of Zayn's throat.  
  
Niall has his hips up the air as he bends down over Zayn's cock, surrounding his mouth in an instant, pushing his face down against Zayn's stomach before he can bob his head. This isn't slow and Zayn's not wishing for it to be. He's already playing with his own nipple as he watches Niall's excitement sucking his cock hastily. His hands around Zayn's waist is the reason why he's going so fast and tight. Every second, the head of his cock is at the back of Niall's throat, and he'd suck his shaft so tight he feels like his cock’s been through three rounds of edging. He gets a fist around the base and flicks around as he goes up and down. Zayn's breathing is erratic; he's sucking on his own lips as he hears the sound of Niall's mouth.  
  
“U-uh huh.” Zayn moans, biting his lip when he gives a tight thrust up Niall's mouth. Niall holds his hip up to stay an inch above the bed before he can push it back down until his mouth is around his head.  
  
His lips work over his tip, pursing and kissing his slit as a peek of cum comes out and he's flicking his tongue at the tip.  
  
“Y’could fuck my mouth—if y’whan—“ Niall whispers out of breath, his hand maneuvering his cock so he can push Zayn's tip against his lips.  
  
The idea had already come into Zayn's mind about a minute ago. He's happy Niall can read him like that. Niall puts his hand on Zayn's hip, digs his fingers down as Zayn starts to thrust his hips up, cock shoving right into his mouth with the base of his hands pressing over his eyes. Niall continues to hold his hips, closing his eyes with his eyebrows pushed in. Zayn grabs a fistful of his hair, shoving his mouth faster against his rapid thrusts.  
  
"Oh, Zayn." Niall moans incoherently, busy with Zayn's cock up his throat.  
  
“Yeah. That’s good.” Zayn gives a last shove up Niall's mouth. Niall pushes his mouth down until his face is pressed against Zayn's stomach.  
  
Niall slurps the coat of saliva from the base of his dick, and up to his head. He pulls off with a tight sound before he can shift up with his knees and fall right back down over Zayn. Their mouths are attached, tongues flicking off of each other. Both with bloody cherry-red lips and sweaty skin, Zayn starts to moan when their mouths are getting faster and messier.  
  
“Shit—come on, Niall." Zayn moans, gripping his hair as Niall pokes his tongue in his mouth—just for the purpose of their tongues stroking against each other. “What are you gonna do with me…”  
  
"Whatever you want. Whatever you need." Niall gives a quick and tight kiss barely off from his lips, before they could continue their sloppy mouths sucking at each other. "But I'm gonna take care of you—I-I'm gonna be careful with you."  
  
Zayn froze to the last few words, staring Niall into his pupil until his breath caught up to him. "How about you open me up?" Zayn exhales and Niall kisses a spot on his chin. He passes Niall the lube from over the bedside table. Water-based because Zayn would rather not have someone's cock feel like oil.  
  
“Easy…” Niall slurs quietly, when he gets his fingers in, knuckles pressed between the soft mound of his ass. But it’s not—Niall’s in a terrible rush. Niall's barely thinking straight that his whole hand is covered in lube—didn’t think it would be too much. Especially his two fingers that's dripping of the slick. His hand holds Zayn's knee to keep open, while his other with the two coated fingers, pressed right through his throbbing rim, and doesn't think of anything but thrusting his fingers inside of Zayn.  
  
“T-that’s… Right there.” Zayn moans breaks through his throat, his forearm covering his eyes. Niall's reaching right for his muscles – the ones that tighten around his fingers, one Niall curls back against for Zayn to open wider. Niall can feel him writhing, so he adds another finger—twisting his wrist, pushing them right against his prostate, curling them all back as Zayn moans loud from his throat, eyes squeezing shut.  
  
“Right there?” Niall drawls teasingly, sliding his fingers out, wrapping his hand around his cock instead.  
  
“Yes there." Zayn starts to laugh, flicking a condom right at Niall's chest.  
  
The packet falls off, and he plucks it off his thigh, ripping the packet open so he could stretch it around his cock. He gets it on, and eventually works on getting himself coated. After tonight, Niall stroking himself isn't that much of a pain as it was Zayn sucking and kissing him off. This was baby food to him, feeling his cock just pulsing at the head for more. Then there was his whole body needing Zayn. He's never involved himself that deeply with anybody before. He never spoke to anyone—he’d rather have silence than words in between moments he shouldn't hear anything but the sound of cock sliding in and out of someone. But then there’s Zayn… Who sounds so fucking hot as soon as you kiss him.  
  
It's everyone's first time for everything. Niall's tonight would be his heart pounding in so much adrenaline and euphoria. It wasn't because Niall knew he was making Zayn feel good or to hear him moaning as breathing so loud under his fingers and touches. It's just everything to him—from Zayn making him laugh to the way he listens to the things he says and helps him out—that’s all he's wanted.  
  
"Do you mean it?" Zayn asks. Niall leans down, their torsos and hips aligned. Zayn's fingers are pressed on Niall's shoulder.  
  
"Mean what?” Niall shifts his hips a bit while Zayn stares at him.  
  
"Everything we’re doing tonight."  
  
"Yes, everything tonight's not going to be something I'd replace anything with."  
  
"You're not going to run?” Zayn asks carefully.  
  
Niall looks away to his fingers running along the line of Zayn's hair. "It's the easiest thing for me to do. Why would I wanna talk anything out if all it is is somebody not doing something right? O-or stay if somebody's about to get hurt?"  
  
"That's what you're afraid of." There's a tone of realization in Zayn's voice that Niall didn't expect. If he had spoken on these things more, Zayn wouldn't be as late figuring it out as he is now.  
  
"Yeah." Niall murmurs with a subtle crack in between.  
  
"Be honest with me, did you think I was gonna hurt you?”  
  
"It's not just you. It's anybody who comes along, all nice and kind into certain lives." Niall shrugs. "Sometimes you think they'll be alright. Then the next thing you know, you're being manipulated by someone you think respects you in the same way, and you pretend what they say doesn't hurt."  
  
Zayn couldn't take it anymore. "Niall, if I had said anything—"  
  
"No." Niall quickly defends and shakes his head. “Y-you've been the most patient and—sweetest… Mate I've had." Niall tilts his head just as he closes their lips together. Zayn's got an immediate hand on the back of Niall's neck. That's what he was first, and that's what he'll always see him as, even if he’s going to be balls deep into Zayn.  
  
Moving fast or not, neither of them cared. Niall had rocked himself in against Zayn, hips rotating around in his desperate need to hear Zayn. Breaths and his quiet moaning was enough for Niall. He kept his eyes shut, felt like he was on a boat every time Niall moved his hips around.  
  
Everything below his hips was burning, like each nerve was being seared. Zayn was grunting in between the few moans, back arching, and hands moving all over Niall's back for some kind of hold to keep steady. His feet were sliding along the sheets before Niall bucked his hips right into him, making him curse god's name. He's wanting more, raising his legs in the air, eventually wrapping them around him; hoping every inch of Niall's cock goes through him. Niall groaned into his neck—long, shaky, hoarse sounds from his throat escaping his open mouth exhaling over and over again, getting louder in each huff until Zayn's breaking out in a sharp gasp.  
  
“Slowly...” Niall groans, exhaling against the side of Zayn's face, his nose and parted lips rubbing against his face. His knees were becoming like jelly, the longer he grinds Zayn in with slow and long strokes. He was so hot. Every inch of him, Niall wanted to taste. And all the hours of the night, Niall wanted to spend it on learning Zayn's weakness and learning to make him come without anything but his tongue. But he's spent, with his raging energy just bucking and thrusting his cock in Zayn.  
  
"You're so fucking good." Zayn's voice cracks at the end, a loud finish just as his arm bends back behind his head. His other hand grips Niall's shoulder blade, fingers kneading as they bend back and forth his skin.  
  
"I've got you," Niall whispers, and his hand slides down for his cock. Quick, messy strokes for Zayn because Niall can barely hold on any longer. “You can come.”  
  
A loud grunt bursts from Zayn, coming quick and hot all over himself. His back arching off the bed with his toes curling in and chest heaving through the gasps and exhales. It's in the four deep breaths that Zayn turn his face to Niall, catching each quick kiss Niall's peppering him with, tongue sweeping against each other.  
  
The body on top of Zayn sits up on his knees, ridding himself of the condom before he's sliding his cock back in Zayn. There's a difference Zayn feels altogether—a good difference, that he's grunting again while Niall shoves every inch of his cock in until it prods Zayn's sweet spot, and pulls back slowly, feeling every detail of his skin around him and inside out. Niall spending his seconds kissing Zayn slowly and carefully, with just their lips. They take their time on each kiss; each of them slow and thoughtful. And every time someone pulls apart, their lips stick together for half a second before they're leaning in harder than before. He moans against Zayn's mouth, takes his cock out from him and starts to use his hand around it. Niall sucks on his own lips while Zayn prompts himself with his elbow to sit up, still keeping his legs up in the air for Niall. He comes thick onto Zayn's entrance, and doesn't wait a second to push right back in.  
  
Zayn feels the warmth growing in him, moans quietly as Niall continues to come in him and still move inside of him. Niall didn't spend this whole entire hour to just come in a condom; he had to make Zayn feel it. It's some sort of intimacy thing with him that he doesn't get himself. His face is sweating, his eyes are wild. He felt his eyes wet; decorated with pricks of tears at the corner of his eyes. He never felt that intensity before; it nearly ripped him apart, and made his cock feel so tight.  
  
They continue to keep their mouths attached. Sometimes Niall would be licking and pecking Zayn's teeth because he was smiling so much. Niall couldn't help but let it win over him after all the times he held back. They kissed each other sweetly and thoughtfully, soft presses that were better than anything else. They were promising; Zayn felt safe about it.  
  
"Get off." Zayn lightly shoves Niall's shoulder.  
  
"I can't even move and you're pushing me to get off. Seriously?” Niall's voice raises in annoyance. No, he doesn't move. It was bad enough that he had to pick his weight up to pull his cock out twice from Zayn and miss the can he was tossing his condom in.  
  
"Come on." Zayn shoves Niall again. "I don't wanna piss on you or my bed." Then he adds in a whisper, "I love you."  
  
There's a definite irate growl from Niall Zayn smiles to when he takes the moment to roll from under the lad who can't seem to pick himself up. Zayn walks out; intimidating like he's about to put on a show after the end of his short walk to the toilet. Without his clothes on, Niall could finally see the contrast between his shoulders and hips, and he thinks about how his waist dips in to his small hips and how his hands would fit so well on him. He's splayed on the bed with his back towards the ceiling, motionless and still catching his breath. He doesn't even waste a muscle or two to wipe the speck of tears at the corner of his eyes. He just lies there, listening to Zayn piss from the loo.  
  
"Can't even close the door?" Niall starts to yell, staring at the spots of cum on the bed, hoping to avoid that when they sleep. The loo’s out in the hall two doors away. He can even barely see the light with his eyes nearly shut, but he knows it’s eleven o’clock and it’s just finally hitting him after an hour that his eye shot wide open.  
  
"I'm sorry—that you have to be such an ass! As if I should apologize for pissing in my own toilet!" Zayn shouts back.  
  
He's not impressed but fighting back isn't worth it if he feels like a blob of jello not wanting to get up. Even to just pull the blanket over him that's at the end of his foot he can't do. Though asshole or not, Zayn pulls it over him before he could join him on the other side and lean his weight over Niall to turn the lights off from the bedside table. Niall pulls the blanket up to his face as his mind starts clouding; hoping the blotchy red cheeks of his isn’t visible to Zayn or his edgy behaviour that’s happening under the blanket right now. But then Zayn’s putting a hand down over Niall's head, and all the names and insults Niall called him are easing out of his mind just as Zayn kisses him in his hair and everyone's falling asleep right then and there.  
  
Or should be.  
  
—  
  
When Zayn's moaning awake, that's when he finds the bed all spacious. He has a faint smile on his face—for the weather isn't as disappointing as it says in his phone. The sky is blue and his room is bright with the morning rays. It couldn't have been a better morning, until the smile fades right away when he looks beside him to find the blanket he shared with Niall last night, all bundled at the middle of the bed with only a corner draped over his hip.  
  
He asks himself what he's done wrong this time, to drive Niall away like that out of his presence again. There couldn't be anybody else for him that makes his heart drum in 2 time, makes him nervous and scared, and makes him think twice about the things he's doing come around once more. It'd be okay because he'd be the one to slow and calm him down, and be the one to make him think three times instead. They come once, and then nobody ever wants them to leave. You try not to let them open that door. Zayn must be keeping his door wide open for it to happen over and over, and after last night—he might have just figured out his door just might be broken.  
  
Zayn doesn't try to do anything but sit up and observe around him. It's just any other regular Sunday morning. When he checks the clock for the time, he can't even accept that Niall left before 8 AM. He drove him out the door before 8. That must be some kind of record. He’s left people after getting comfortable with them for 3 months, and even then, that doesn’t beat the 3 years they’ve been friends together, only to leave like it was just a quick fuck.  
  
It wasn’t because he’s learned to hate them after that long. That’s just how Niall is. He was never a big fan of affection or relationships. Zayn doesn’t blame him. They’re quite a bother—but that’s until you really get into one with somebody you actually want to be with.  
  
It hurts him somehow. He was really optimistic about going farther than the one night stands he used to find himself in before Niall came along and gave him the chance to have different, even if they were friends. And Zayn knows if you're looking for something more than a moment, it's not going to be at some party. It'll be spontaneous. That's why when he noticed Niall before it really began—it was when they sat at the same table at the cafeteria because Zayn's stupid assignment was to do something bold. To join somebody at a table of 2 where there are tables surrounding them, studying at the same table before their conversation really began; Zayn felt there was the spark of optimism.  
  
There were ten people sitting around the area of his choice, and he chose Niall.  
  
He's focused on the wrinkles of his sheets. The ones he and Niall messed up with their limbs and fingers. The night feels faint in his mind, and he's trying to will everything in his mind to bring it back—every time he pushed back at Niall for a kiss, feel each breath that Niall exhaled on his neck—just everything he won't find again in anybody for a very long time.  
  
It's hard to look around now, and see things the same way as before. How he's going to act as if things could be normal now, the sight of an empty bed but him on isn't persuading to do anything. He felt like it was gonna happen again when Niall said it's the easiest thing for anyone to do. Niall knows good things can't last too long without something bad happening for it to end. Zayn just thinks good things can last if you're with somebody that lets you have that. To the silence of his room and heavy heart and mind, that's not what he is for Niall. Yeah, maybe running away is great idea.  
  
And it was just like his static heart found a pulse when he hears steps coming from the hall. It's padding quietly, but Zayn can hear it. He knows what living alone sounds like and it isn't the sound of somebody exhaling in pleasure. Zayn wouldn't have a sight—let alone a view of Niall stretching his arms back, still without his clothes on.  
  
"He—" Niall greets him just before he cuts himself off when he finds Zayn sitting up, frowning with downcast eyes on his hands gripping the cover over his lap.  
  
He doesn't look up. He only shakes his head until Niall's putting a knee over the edge of the bed to his right, that Zayn's looking off to the window.  
  
“It’s really too fucking bright for London." Zayn grimaces, then he turns back and continues to grip the covers.  
  
"Hey, what happened?" Niall's staring at Zayn's eyelashes before noticing the wet smudge under his eyes. His eyebrows furrow before he can duck down and tilt Zayn's head up by pushing his mouth against him. It starts off long and slow, but he puts a hand on Niall's jaw, pulling him desperately in that they're back to the sloppy and loud kisses from last night.  
  
Niall tastes cold—like peppermint. It hangs on Zayn's tongue but his body surged with heat that balanced everything. Balance was good. Niall was good.  
  
They're both breathing deeply as they pushed their mouths against each other, lips pulling off before they can shove back together. Zayn sucks air in, tilting his head to the left until Niall's moaning to the new angle he feels Zayn's tongue licking inside his mouth.  
  
"I thought you left," Zayn breathes out, dragging his lips back over Niall's lips before he can kiss him just below his bottom lip. His heart's pacing and he's trying to fit every kiss in before he can't. "I thought—" He lets Niall's tongue poke into his mouth and his hand moves to the back of Niall's head, grabbing his hair to push him more against him. “Thought I fucked it all up for you.”  
  
"N-No, I—" Niall moans. "I took a shower. Shit, I love you so fucking much. I'm so sorry." Niall sucks on Zayn's bottom lip.  
  
Zayn loves the hot breath over his mouth wanting more of him. “I-it’s okay if you don’t. You’re here, at least that’s enough.”  
  
“No, I mean—I do, but—I’m sure I do.” Niall’s nodding fervently, taking Zayn's lips between his half a second each time, “And you just—woke up—and I'm literally sucking—your tongue—and it's not the best taste in the world—but you taste—like fucking—heaven to me."  
  
"No, fuck." Zayn pulls back and shakes his head, putting a hand over his mouth. "Don't tell me that. Oh my god, I have to go brush my teeth." Zayn's ripping the blanket over him, scooting his bum on the bed until he's at the edge.  
  
"No, Zayn! Stay." Niall's biting his lips, watching Zayn pick his body up from the bed.  
  
"I can't do this!" Zayn exclaims, pointing at his mouth.  
  
"Your breath smells good all the time. It's like—" Niall's puppy eyes are working up. They glisten with the daylight breaking through the window. "Fucking winter wonderla—oh, come back." He groans, pouting his lips and frowning even more.  
  
Zayn stares at him with a smile, staring at Niall's face going soft when he realizes how long they've been quiet and just gazing into each other's eyes like they never did this before. Zayn's just never felt it like this.  
  
There's a sudden thud alike of a bass drum that Niall is fond with. He feels the heavy vibrations through his chest every second of his life and it's something he can't help happen to him. It's a wake-up call to open his eyes to see what he has been trying to believe. It's these few years that the laugh he hears from him, he always finds himself joining in.  
  
Maybe it's the sparks of gold within his eyes surrounded by the brown the make his knees weak.  
  
No... It's not that. Niall has got an endless list of what makes Zayn and it's not that. It's the smile that breaks the dull clouds apart; the light after the storm. The hope.  
  
Okay, fuck no. No, no, no, no, no... It's not even that. Niall's got no way to say it but he's the colours within his head—Zayn is what he needs to complete his blanche surface. The mass of colours is what makes Zayn. And there's not one colour that could hold Niall from using all the colours with full content. The millions of colours, and from what Niall knows, it's what makes him want to keep this together.  
  
So it's not just the smile, or the lines from his eyes when he smiles, or how warm his heart feels. He doesn't even need to place his hand over his chest to feel the warmth.  
  
"Please." Niall holds his hand out. "Stay with me." He smiles after.  
  
Zayn looks at his hand, reaches his hand out too – taking his fingers in his hand. A knee back on the bed, he lets Niall pull him in—over his body until Zayn's straddling over his hips and leaning over him.  
  
He loves the weight over him, and the limp cock on his stomach that just adds to the realization he's with Zayn. The way Zayn's staring at him like he's his world—that’s wrong, isn't it? There's no way someone who's hurt everyone he's dated could get all the things they wanted. Life doesn't work like that for Niall. He can keep his hands on his face, feel the rugged cheekbones and soft skin he has. But it's on the tip of his tongue, and he's eventually caving in, "You deserve way better, did you know that?"  
  
"What we have now is bad to you?" Zayn laughs, and sucks in some air before he's leaning in for a short kiss.  
  
"I'm serious." Niall's voice goes soft when he holds Zayn's face. "I want better for you. And it's really not me, you know?"  
  
"Isn't that my decision?" Zayn smiles. "And I say, I want you. There's nobody better for me than you."  
  
Niall starts to laugh just because. Hell, the longer he stares at Zayn, the happier he gets. "I love you."  
  
He parted his lips open, enough for their mouths to go together. Niall's arms were like a snake; coiled around Zayn's back with the tightness growing the more their tongues touched.  
  
"Mhm." Zayn groaned when his hips just started to move. His bites Niall's lips, and listens to the way Niall laughs before their tongues are meeting again.  
  
Zayn still wants to clean up from last night. Though it looks like it won't be happening with the way things are moving this morning. It should be slow in pace, not where Zayn's moaning every time their lips meet and their lips meet very fast, very frequent—that’s why Zayn's moaning in between.  
  
"I love you too." Zayn tilts his head the other way, shoving his mouth on Niall. He pulls away for a moment, and they're quickly knocking their mouths back again. Zayn's somewhere else in his mind; lost in a good way, pushing his hip down, pressing his cock on Niall, whispering with desperation, "So much."  
  
"Can we fuck?" Niall's voice escapes like his breath, fast and airy, biting his lip down as he smirks at the idea. "After last night, I wanna know how much we can take together."  
  
How much we can take together. Niall really did grow up. The offer was hot as it was sweet but Zayn had priorities in the morning. "Can I brush my teeth?" Zayn lifts a brow.  
  
Stifling over his laughter, he says, "Yeah." Then he leans in for another kiss. "Just come back. I'm really not finished with you." To make up for all of the times he held back from kissing and hugging Zayn.  
  
Niall's left to lie on his back again, looking at everything with a new sight that makes him feel better about everything. He turns on his side, looking to the time. For it to be morning still, Niall's hopeful for today, and even tomorrow, knowing that their different isn't going to change anything between them. But Zayn was right—to want different, things are going to have to change.  
  
He felt a hand on his hip, and he turned his torso to look behind at Zayn pressing against his back. His arm goes across Niall's waist, just to cut his smile short with his lips breaking Niall's seams. He takes his lips in between, pressing lightly but tight enough that no one has to start pushing yet.  
  
When Zayn pulls apart, he's got a big smile on is face with his big hand holding a whole section of Niall's hip. It's when Niall turns his whole body towards Zayn does he throws a leg over his hip with Zayn's thigh tucked right between his legs.  
  
"Why don't we just stay like this?" Niall presses his fingers against his chin.  
  
"I brushed my teeth, though." Zayn laughs quietly. "We could, like, see what kind of things we can do to each other."  
  
"It's only 7:30." Niall tries to fix his leg over Zayn and push his hip against his more. "None of us are going anywhere. I hope.”  
  
"Yeah," Zayn agrees eventually with the back of his fingers going down Niall's cheek. "I don't mind."  
  
"You're the best." Niall smiles softly.  
  
“Did you hit your head or somethin’?” Zayn's eyebrow furrows in.  
  
"I always thought it." Niall mutters. He feels a soft kiss in his hair that drives him up closer to Zayn, even when there's no room to.  
  
Zayn looks around the room, which is still too bright since his walls are white and his window is exposing sunlight that London never seems to have. But he looks at Niall who’s probably thinking about something enough to stay quiet and just blink his eyes with his dark eyelashes fluttering.  
  
“C-can I… Can I actually get that in recording?” Zayn asks eventually.  
  
“Get what?” Niall stares at him with his glistening and curious blue eyes.  
  
“I fucking knew it.” Zayn drawls, and laughs at the end.


End file.
